runaway truck exit ramp

To be honest I like feeling a bit sad and melancholy which I suppose is why I indulge myself in nostalgia so often. Re-reading things is fun, but always a little sad. I remember what it felt like to read it for the first time and it's like I can't ever quite feel that way again.

I'm thinking about a year ago, last summer. I don't remember a lot of last year, especially spring quarter and my time at Berkeley. Well, I don't want to remember. Last year's April through August was really bad. I cried a lot, like so much it scared me, though me being me I was also impressed by it and wanted to record it for posterity. (here it is!) Being alone, feeling alone, loneliness, a huge wound of loneliness really, all of that. Actually I don't even know if it was really all that bad, because I got some good things out of it, but whenever I think about it my mind instinctively tries NOT to think about it and my general impression of the time period is bad, so I figure, it wasn't great. It was a gamechanger though. It bent my life in a different direction. I don't know if it's good or bad. Maybe just necessary.

I really think that I need a friend, not a boyfriend, but I am obsessed with my physical appearance lately and I want an ego handjob in that department. Maybe I don't even want a boyfriend because that seems kind of irritating and too touchy and a lot of work. I just want someone to be like, I think you're pretty, I like your body, I like the way you look, I like you, you're fine, always and forever, you're fine. The problem is that I feel too much responsibility in any kind of social interaction, with absolutely no capacity to live up to that responsibility. I never feel good enough, not for myself, not for anyone or anything. And I KNOW that that's bullshit, it doesn't work like that. I know a lot of things. But there's something that can't be dislodged inside. It blocks the knowing from making a difference. Is it fear? The other day I was driving and I suddenly thought: If I could get over myself, I could be amazing. It makes me feel strange and excited just to think it. I could be amazing. Somewhere I know that.

In the meanwhile I'm still don't want to go back to school in the fall and I'm still not even ALLOWED to do so. Two different academic holds and one financial hold, haaay~

Anyway, what I'm REALLY trying to say is that I'm re-reading a lot of bandom fics and it's making me so nostalgic I could die.