miserly maelstrom
Apr. 7th, 2014 04:40 pmOne of those days! Just one of those days!!
Jamming out to the 1975 in the library, feeling slightly uncomfortable as I always do whenever I'm alive in public. Breakthrough thought of the day: it's a self-fulfilling prophecy to be like, "well this partly is why I'll never be happy, because of the way I treat people around me." But it's somewhat reassuring because at least I'll be right about SOMETHING, even if it's something I was right about because I MADE IT HAPPEN. And I can't apply that to other things, because I feel like I don't have control over anything and all effect I have on other people or the space/time complex in the general is unintentional and/or negative. I don't think I have good control over myself either, but it's still more than I have over anything else lol. And I always feel like I just don't have any right to go against others - because I don't at all think that I know better, and I defer to their greater will to power/live. Some people really want to live and be alive. I just want to give up all the time.
I know that I have inherent worth as a person, just for being a living thing in this world. But I don't feel it, and I want a REASON, as a bedrock. Because it's so hard to just live as myself - all these thoughts and patterns and habits, always mine, always me. It's unbearable. I need to know that it's worth it. I think that's why I'm still somewhat obsessed with the whole "am I a good person? am I kind?" thing. I want to be a person that I like, so there's a reason for me to keep being. But either way, trying to look at myself from the outside in or peering from the inside out, it just seems like a jumbled mess. What even am I? A bunch of ghost spaghetti in a sack.
Two things I keep forgetting to mention in my quarterly lj/dw posts:
- I saw a car carrier carrying another car carrier once
- I also saw a truck cab (? the front part of the truck where the driver sits, not the rectangular storage part /technical knowledge) hauling another truck cab, just on its back. The second truck cab was facing backwards and I was behind it on the highway, so at first I was like "wow wtf that truck is going backwards!"
cool story bro!
Jamming out to the 1975 in the library, feeling slightly uncomfortable as I always do whenever I'm alive in public. Breakthrough thought of the day: it's a self-fulfilling prophecy to be like, "well this partly is why I'll never be happy, because of the way I treat people around me." But it's somewhat reassuring because at least I'll be right about SOMETHING, even if it's something I was right about because I MADE IT HAPPEN. And I can't apply that to other things, because I feel like I don't have control over anything and all effect I have on other people or the space/time complex in the general is unintentional and/or negative. I don't think I have good control over myself either, but it's still more than I have over anything else lol. And I always feel like I just don't have any right to go against others - because I don't at all think that I know better, and I defer to their greater will to power/live. Some people really want to live and be alive. I just want to give up all the time.
I know that I have inherent worth as a person, just for being a living thing in this world. But I don't feel it, and I want a REASON, as a bedrock. Because it's so hard to just live as myself - all these thoughts and patterns and habits, always mine, always me. It's unbearable. I need to know that it's worth it. I think that's why I'm still somewhat obsessed with the whole "am I a good person? am I kind?" thing. I want to be a person that I like, so there's a reason for me to keep being. But either way, trying to look at myself from the outside in or peering from the inside out, it just seems like a jumbled mess. What even am I? A bunch of ghost spaghetti in a sack.
Two things I keep forgetting to mention in my quarterly lj/dw posts:
- I saw a car carrier carrying another car carrier once
- I also saw a truck cab (? the front part of the truck where the driver sits, not the rectangular storage part /technical knowledge) hauling another truck cab, just on its back. The second truck cab was facing backwards and I was behind it on the highway, so at first I was like "wow wtf that truck is going backwards!"
cool story bro!
