Apr. 7th, 2014

kerpingtack: dolphin cow jumping out of the water together as you do (omg.)
One of those days! Just one of those days!!

Jamming out to the 1975 in the library, feeling slightly uncomfortable as I always do whenever I'm alive in public. Breakthrough thought of the day: it's a self-fulfilling prophecy to be like, "well this partly is why I'll never be happy, because of the way I treat people around me." But it's somewhat reassuring because at least I'll be right about SOMETHING, even if it's something I was right about because I MADE IT HAPPEN. And I can't apply that to other things, because I feel like I don't have control over anything and all effect I have on other people or the space/time complex in the general is unintentional and/or negative. I don't think I have good control over myself either, but it's still more than I have over anything else lol. And I always feel like I just don't have any right to go against others - because I don't at all think that I know better, and I defer to their greater will to power/live. Some people really want to live and be alive. I just want to give up all the time.

I know that I have inherent worth as a person, just for being a living thing in this world. But I don't feel it, and I want a REASON, as a bedrock. Because it's so hard to just live as myself - all these thoughts and patterns and habits, always mine, always me. It's unbearable. I need to know that it's worth it. I think that's why I'm still somewhat obsessed with the whole "am I a good person? am I kind?" thing. I want to be a person that I like, so there's a reason for me to keep being. But either way, trying to look at myself from the outside in or peering from the inside out, it just seems like a jumbled mess. What even am I? A bunch of ghost spaghetti in a sack.

Two things I keep forgetting to mention in my quarterly lj/dw posts:
- I saw a car carrier carrying another car carrier once
- I also saw a truck cab (? the front part of the truck where the driver sits, not the rectangular storage part /technical knowledge) hauling another truck cab, just on its back. The second truck cab was facing backwards and I was behind it on the highway, so at first I was like "wow wtf that truck is going backwards!"

cool story bro!

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kerpingtack: corgis on the beach where the corgis are free (Default)
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