extracted from thrushes

I googled "what kind of a bird is a robin" for the subject line lol. "American Robins are gray-brown birds with warm orange underparts and dark heads." WARM ORANGE UNDERPANTS! I had no idea that "underpants" was a proper descriptive term in zoology... ornithology (googled that too)... birdology (did not have to google that).

Anyway my day in twitter:

what am i doing? what am i doing? what what what am i doing? with my life? as a person? existing??

fuck up --> regret, overanalysis, sadness --> learn nothing --> fuck up --> regret, overanalysis, sadness --> learn nothing --> fuck up...

am i a good person? what does that even mean? does it mean anything that i keep thinking about this? question mark?

i feel like no matter all the rest, what's important is how you treat people. but i don't treat people very well? either on an interpersonal level (utterly incompetent and/or cold) or... on an activist? level (complacent/apathetic).

i guess i feel in turmoil lately because i thought that it was better to do nothing than actively do something wrong/hurtful. but i'm slowly realizing in a real, concrete way that doing nothing sometimes IS the most wrong/hurtful thing, that it just shuts things down. i mean i knew that as an abstract concept, but i experienced it and it's caught up to me.

i guess i attach too much meaning to things lol. prolly to avoid actually Doing Stuff. just sit there and obsess over ~implications~

i'm not actually that bummed out right now, i just can't think of anything else to talk about lol

TUSK!!!

Everyone is posting about Captain America 2 and meta always tricks me into caring more than I would normally, so yeah that's where I am all day, everyday now. I've read SOOOO MUCH FIC. Like literally at least the full first twenty pages in ao3, both sorted by kudos and by date updated lololol. God I am so good at being fixated. 

OH OKAY so I went to facebook and scrolled down my newsfeed for the first time in months and of course I see a post from the local animal rescue, with a cat that looks like Tom Tom, who is apparently very sweet and whose owner died instantly in a hit and run accident. The owner had rescued him when he was a tiny kitten and now he is alone in the world. Facebook always brings GREAT NEWS!!!!!!!!!!! I'm always happy to be updated about the world!!!!!!!!!!

You know what's exhausting about me is that, like, I just keep thinking "why can't I do this? why is this so hard for me?" What don't I understand? If I could just find that latch, just that one thing, it would unravel at least a chunk, and then I wouldn't have to feel like I'm struggling just to get from this minute to the next. Maybe there's nothing to understand. But then how do I know what to do? Because I don't have anything I WANT to do, just things I want to avoid. So what's the motivation, if not emotions/intuition? Logic - what makes sense, what do I understand of this situation and what's the next step. Just like, WHAT DO I FUCKING DO??? WHAT DO I DO TO BE A PERSON? 

you don't know 'cause it passes right through you

I've eaten, did some cleaning; the door is open and there's a breeze outside. I have food ready for Julian. The cats are in sight, looking out at the backyard. I'm listening to music. If it's like this, then it's like - of course you can be happy. You're happy right now. There's so much good in the world, and it can't run out. You don't have to wrench yourself into shapes to fit in it.

I've noticed that more and more, in each fandom that I pass through, I find something I like in a way that seems relevant to me at the moment. Of course that's just my gaze catching what it's looking for, and it's more convenient because I need EVERYTHING - need lessons about everything, need to draw strength from everything; but still, it feels nice. I don't know if any of that made sense, lol. Hopefully when I reread this later I'll know what I meant.

When you love, or feel for, a character that you relate to, it's like a safe way of embracing yourself. It's careful and removed, not so raw or a risk. And being in fandom, reading about how other people love that character, and feeling that collective energy is nice too.

A few weeks (or months? I don't even remember) ago, I woke up halfway hearing a woman outside calling a name. It was so regular that I don't know if it wasn't just in my head. But eventually I heard "here kitty" and then I just wanted to go back to sleep and I did. Just thinking about someone else having to do that awful round of looking filled me with dread and misery. And I didn't want to hear it or be aware of it. A la Saiyuki, I didn't want anything touching that scar. All of this sounds dramatic as I'm writing it lol. It's just a mundane kind of misery and I kept forgetting to write about it. Anyway, some things need to be one step removed - you don't want anything to directly touch you. It's just nice to watch it, kind of see how it looks, see it modeled.

cataloguing what I like: I LOVE PEOPLE WHO ARE GOOD AT LOOKING SAD. I'm monstrous. I think this is related to how sometimes I find people very attractive when they're sick - not because I know they're sick, often I don't but I'm just like "wow they look really good here!" and then the comments are like "omg poor [person], they were so sick this day :(" and I'm like T___T.

So in terms of Cpt. America 2: I'm most drawn to Bucky and Sam; Bucky because he makes me saddest, and Sam because he makes me happiest lol. Sam is so fundamentally good and decent, down to his bones. Amiable and supportive!!! Just ready to roll with it, augh.

And Bucky, because when a character's life is just SO goddamn sad and shitty, I obsess over it. Like seriously WHAT A SHIT LIFE BUCKY HAS. I've said this like three times already in real life conversations, but like, as soon as he gets drafted, that's just the end of any happiness or easiness and the rest is just REALLY, SUCH AN AWFUL LIFE FULL OF MISERY WITHOUT BREAK.

... I took too long of a break in writing this and now I feel that everything in this entry is embarrassing and stupid. AS YOU DO.

hahahahahaha and in the break between that last sentence and this one, a bomb exploded the day and blew out the positive/restfulness I was feeling before. s!i!g!h! permutations! mutations! I! hate! self!!