they say the nile used to run from east to west

Sometimes I feel like I'm never going to be close to anyone. Maybe it's just this quarter and how far away from everything I feel. I'm listening to We Are the Sleepyheads b/c I didn't listen to it on my birthday and I'm due. I had an intense desire to somehow be able to reach through the whole technical apparatus and reach what makes me feel the way I do when I listen to the song. What is that thing? How can I reach it?

I'm probably never going to be close to anything except my own pettiness and selfishness. And self-loathing! I probably don't deserve the closeness. I'm honestly so tired of being myself. I really do wish I could stop living. If I let myself feel it, it's all unbearable.

The Life Pursuit, especially We Are the Sleepyheads and Act of the Apostle, remind me of senior year of high school.

heavin' devotion

It might be "heathen devotion", I don't know.

I ended up dragging the laptop to the bunk with me and played all of The Life Pursuit so I could fall asleep to it. 

I picked up a flyer from the Center for Women and Men (yeah I don't know about that name) and wowww this column on Nonassertive (No Influence) is so EXACTLY like me:

Verbal

Apologetic words. Veiled meanings. Hedging; failure to come to the point. Rambling; disconnected. At a loss for words. Failure to say what you really mean. Qualifying statements with "I mean," "you know."

Nonverbal

General Demeanor
Actions instead of words, hoping someone will guess what you want. Looking as if you don't mean what you say. [I don't get what this means; looking unconfident? looking like you're lying?]

Voice
Weak, hesitant, soft, sometimes wavering.

Eyes
Averted, downcast, teary, pleading. [I would TRUFAX kill myself if my eyes looked teary and pleading whenever I talked to people.]

Stance and posture
Leaning for support, stooped, excessive head nodding. [LOL '"excesssive". For me it's more like I nod when I don't need to rather than nod too much. Maybe that's what they mean though?]

Hands
Fidgety, fluttery, clammy.

I want to point out that I originally typo'd "qualifying" as "waulifying." Wauuuuuul. Okay I guess I should not be surprised at this but I usually don't think of myself in these terms ("Nonassertive -- NO INFLUENCE" omg) so it did surprise me. Oh well it's still not the most salient characteristic for me ("Stupid -- ASSHOLE" check!)

Man this computer lab is crowded. I should get up since all I'm doing is hanging around on lj. Whatever, I'm an asshole; I'm tired and I don't want to get up. Everyone can suck it.