hongur

I end my at 5 or 6 everyday but lately I've been staying on campus until ~8 to avoid the traffic. The bus ride back on Monday night was legit hell. It usually takes 20 minutes without traffic, 40-50 minutes with. On Monday it took a FUCKING HOUR to get, like, ONE-THIRD of the way. It was hell. I just got off at the Wilshire stop and walked back. It took like half an hour which was, guaranteed, at least an hour sooner than the bus. Good god.

I went to the art party thing which was a mistake. It was all hipstered out with music playing and shit and an art exhibit that was basically someone's tumblr collages. Seriously, it was collages with magazine cutouts pasted on notebook paper. wtf. I'm not saying that's not artistic or creative, but what is the criteria for getting that in an exhibit? There was no free food but I did get a free soda out of it. LOL I was meant to be mingling with my hip social peers and the only social interaction I had was with the middle-aged security guard who told me she liked my shoes and we talked about Payless for like a minute. Whatever, she was nice. Also there was a Subway nearby so after fifteen minutes I said fuck it and went there and bought a foot-long BLT and ate it while waiting for the bus. omnomnom

ALSO LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL I got like the maximum grade under my incompetent Scottish TA's curve for my soash of crime midterm. The one for which I did like 10% of the reading and stayed up all night via energy drink and went in SO fucking half-assed. LOL JESUS CHRIST. This is why I cannot take school seriously. I fucking KNOW that I knew nothing, and continue to know nothing. BUT I GOT THE HIGHEST GRADE POSSIBLE. WTF WHY CAN THIS EDUCATION SYSTEM NOT DETECT INCOMPETENCY?

JJB has a youtube account (yeah, I know) and he uploads videos of his Beyblades fighting. (Beyblades are like metal...ish spinning tops. You spin them against each other in a plastic bowl ~stadium~ and try to knock the other out. It's very intuitively enjoyable, just fun to watch.) It's so adorable. "A battle between Hasbro's Legend Beyblades. I'm going to start using Windows Movie Maker soon!" AWW. omg I can't believe he's already 10 years old. And this generation is so knowledgeable about the internet. It's strange.

ARGH I'M SO FUCKING HUNGRY.

if i could run across the beach into my own arms, i would

Sometimes I am honestly amused and like, enamored? of myself? Like sometimes I really enjoy who I am and the stuff I think is funny and what I'm able to appreciate and whatnot. (Which is weird and self-reflexive, especially wrt humor -- I think what I think is funny is funny itself? Why do I think that? idk.) And I think that it would be fun to meet someone like me. But then that always gives away to EXASPERATED ANNOYANCE. It used to be brutal self-hate and disgust but I think I'm over that. HOW DO I GET OVER THIS? LOL I want to be able to love myself without reservations. Not because I've become someone worthy~ of love, but because it's human to love and be loved, and I should be able to do that just because everyone should be loved. No one should live with someone hating them constantly, a poison inside the body. How do I do this for myself? On behalf of a promise to myself that was given with life.

It's a struggle. I think a lot of my life will be this stuggle actually. This thought used to exhaust me, but I also used to hate myself a lot more forcefully. I've grown up a little, I think. The question of "why don't I like myself" is also tied implicitly to the question of "why don't other people like me." I know that's not a helpful question to be asking, but it's the question that's been in my heart~ forever since I was a loner little girl in elementary school. I've spent so much time trying to become an entity unto myself though, to make it look like I was alone by my own choice and not by uhh circumstance. I feel vulnerable in public so I gotta suit up and protect myself. I don't know the trick of looking approachable, and I DEFINITELY don't know how to approach anyone. What's my point in this paragraph? I'm just thinking about work today and how I was preoccupied with how I looked like a stumpy elf in these stupid boots (WHY DID THE WEATHER REPORT SAY IT WOULD RAIN I NEED TO GO BACK TO WEARING NORMAL SHOES) and how I much I liked Library Guy and how I would LOVE any kind of conversation like that again and how I don't know how to just start talking to people and being properly integrated into their group conversations. But I've also made progress in that I look at people a lot more instead of hiding my dumb face away in shame and I'll make comments sometimes even though they're dead-weight and dead-end and dead dead dead conversationally.

Still hungry.

This girl sitting a few seats away from me in the computer lab keeps sneezing and saying "excuse me" to no one in her deep voice. People as a whole are so endearing sometimes. Why are so consistently dumb and just fucking awful when we have this capacity to be... not that?

I don't know what I think about humanity anymore. I'm irritated with everyone and think most people are legit stupid, especially me, but it doesn't really depress me anymore. idk if that means I've accepted it or I don't care anymore or I've grown up or all three. I don't know what to do with bad news anymore either. I saw a screenshot of that diplomatic car in Egypt just RUNNING over like two dozen people and I know that's not the worst of it by far, not now, not there, not ever. This capacity we have, an endless capacity for unkindness. It's so human. Fuck now I'm pretty sad.

And that's the other thing, how do I get myself to the next step, ie feeling sad --> doing something about it? It's not even that I myself want to make a difference, but I want to be able to do something and to want to do something. Rouse myself out of complacency and all that. But I can't even talk to anyone and I can't even want to do my reading properly so I still have a ways to go.

In terms of physical appearance (lol I'm shallow and self-obsessed) it's kind of the same thing as uh what this entry started out as. Sometimes I'm like, I like ur face gurl, cheekbones, eyes, etc. and then I'll be all OH GOD HOW COULD I HAVE EVER THOUGHT THIS WAS OKAY. I guess it's the same kind of insecurity, like people don't like me!!! They must be able to see something about how I am on da inside, like it manifests in my physical appearance, like an INABILITY TO PROPERLY BE A PERSON. So it's not even that I think I'm ugly necessarily, just that I look WRONG and unacceptable. Disordered as a person, disordered as a body. Et cetera. Also more straightforwardly, I feel so fat and fug next to my sister who is slim and long and gorgeous without any effort because of her inner light. I'm cheesy, whatever. I've really been comparing myself to her for too long. I should stop but I depend on her so much in general. It's hard not to see myself in relation to her, and how others see us and will inevitably compare us. Sometimes it feels like there's no point in wanting to be happy with myself because I'll never be who I really want to be. The best is all circumferenced by who I fundamentally am: lazy, stupid, depressive, disproportionate, face full of nothing. Like, it feels like I should rage against accepting this fundamental terribleness. But that goes nowhere good and I need to stop thinking that way, etc. Ah, life.

Don't know how to end entries, so I'll just uhhh stop.