books of disquiet
Oct. 24th, 2012 12:45 pmlong time no post! and of course it's a moody depressive thing
decided that i am legit going to get out of fandom once i find a job, and the way to do that effectively is to go cold turkey, no internet. or maybe no twitter and unfollow all fandom-related tumblrs and get back to blooging my boring depressive life on LJ.
fandom in general is escapism for me, but I've needed escapism from the shittiness of this fandom for, like, a year now. and as small as my fandom world is at the moment, it's still not small enough. ํดใ ํด
looking for a job is hard, because of the market itself and because of me. i don't know what i want to do, and i don't know what i'm looking for, and i don't have confidence in myself, so i'm pretty lost. i've been better, mood-wise, this year i think but i still feel bad about myself all the time, just in a low level hum throughout each day, or probably more accurately, as a pattern of thoughts into which i fall back out of habit. i feel guilty that my cat has been sick even though i know it's nothing anyone can be faulted for, i feel guilty that i couldn't make him completely better, feel guilty for using money that's not mine, feel guilty for not discussing it up front because i don't want the argument. feel bad that i don't have a job. feel bad that i haven't been looking, because the process of looking makes me feel bad lol. feel lonely and disconnected, too easily angered. not a good caretaker for my brother. not a good writer thus i don't want to try. it's just a whole net of things, it makes me so tired. i make myself tired.
decided that i am legit going to get out of fandom once i find a job, and the way to do that effectively is to go cold turkey, no internet. or maybe no twitter and unfollow all fandom-related tumblrs and get back to blooging my boring depressive life on LJ.
fandom in general is escapism for me, but I've needed escapism from the shittiness of this fandom for, like, a year now. and as small as my fandom world is at the moment, it's still not small enough. ํดใ ํด
looking for a job is hard, because of the market itself and because of me. i don't know what i want to do, and i don't know what i'm looking for, and i don't have confidence in myself, so i'm pretty lost. i've been better, mood-wise, this year i think but i still feel bad about myself all the time, just in a low level hum throughout each day, or probably more accurately, as a pattern of thoughts into which i fall back out of habit. i feel guilty that my cat has been sick even though i know it's nothing anyone can be faulted for, i feel guilty that i couldn't make him completely better, feel guilty for using money that's not mine, feel guilty for not discussing it up front because i don't want the argument. feel bad that i don't have a job. feel bad that i haven't been looking, because the process of looking makes me feel bad lol. feel lonely and disconnected, too easily angered. not a good caretaker for my brother. not a good writer thus i don't want to try. it's just a whole net of things, it makes me so tired. i make myself tired.
