kerpingtack: kinomoto sakura: qt windblown aviator (it's fun~?)
Square candies that look round!

This was written May 31 and I never finished it and I have come to accept that this is the final state, so I'm just posting it now. Also I'm aware that my ~entries usually don't have any themes or whatnot. idk what constitutes a finished entry. It's just something that I am satisfied with, with some kind of personal closure or packaging of thoughts. 

songs
Hong Kyungmin - 순정 (Genuine) (live Koyote cover, IMS2 120721) [LQ youtube rip]
Final Fantasy (Owen Pallett) - Furniture
SNSD - Express 999
Panic! at the Disco - Mad As Rabbits
Devin Townshend - Sit in the Mountain
Kim Jonghyun - 시간이 늦었어 (It's Late) (live SHINee Day event 130525) [dl
Belle & Sebastian - String Bean Jean
Anni Rossi - Machine
The Go! Team - Huddle Formation
Moxy Früvous - Green Eggs & Ham (live at Amherst)
Dal Shabet - Pink Rocket

I read tons and tons of Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicle fic this week. My appetite is huge, I will just tear through a fandom and its underbrush reading all the fic I can find lol. There's a lottt of good stuff though. Everything by Klitch, Mikkeneko, shadow-of-egypt, aliferlia...

annoying self-involved things
I wonder if I tell myself stuff like "you're ugly" to convince myself of my unlikeliness for success, which in turn justifies my fear. If my self-doubt is justified, then my failure is guaranteed, then I don't have to try.

What does it even matter if I'm ugly or not? My train of thought: Because if I am, then it means that I have nothing, not even a nice shell, worthy of time or attention. And it means that the outside matches the inside. It doesn't make sense but it ~feels~ right haha. It's such a dumb thing to think about, but shamefully enough, I DO think about it, literally multiple times everyday. This presupposes that ~being ugly~ is an objective state to begin with. And if I try to spin it, like, "if I'm ugly TO ME" - that falls apart too, because I'll always be ugly TO ME, because... if I'm not, then...?

It's hard to think about these things, because just by thinking them, it makes them truer or stronger. Words are spells, and all that. If I say "I dislike myself" then it becomes something I can lean on, depend on, base other things around. Which is in part why I say it: I need something about myself of which to be certain, and I need a way to locate myself in the world. Or else I just feel so vague and formless and lost.

Maybe I feel scared of my potential. Or my own happiness. They're bundled inexorably with their opposites - failure, unhappiness. Thinking "I don't have any potential" is easier than trying. And I stay moored to that thought, because in my experience, trying is just humiliating and painful. I never had a payoff good enough to justify that risk. And I don't have the faith or strength in life to pursue things on principle. I keep my world small and manageable, and I try to stamp down the unhappiness that comes from that, because I don't want to be backed into a corner where I HAVE to fight for myself. If I don't mind it that much, then it's okay, I don't have to change or act. I don't want to be in turmoil. I don't want each inhale to press tears out of me.

I just made myself feel sad and hopeful and fragile just reading through my /quotes tag on my fucking tumblr. So many of these quotes are about how to let go, how to love in a way that doesn't harm yourself. But I can't let go of things because I feel like I have so little; if I let go, I won't have even that anymore. I've thought so much, I put myself in a deadlock every which way.

Elliptically relatedly, I realized that I am very drawn to story arcs where the character finds it within themselves to live for themselves. "In a dream you saw a way to survive and you were full of joy." See: Fai from Tsubasa. Sanzo from Saiyuki, in his Burial arc story, counts for me too. I don't know how to articulate things further. "An interesting way of life, deny yourself the benefits of being alive."

AND BECAUSE ALL ROADS LEAD TO JONGHYUN: This is why I love Jonghyun. To cry a lot, to laugh a lot, to quietly give yourself confidence. To love the world and the people around you, including yourself in that love. It's such a difficult thing for me, unfathomably brave.
kerpingtack: corgis on the beach where the corgis are free (panda nose (PUN))
I said it once and I'll say it again, being into anime/manga/non-English fandom is HARD. Very difficult to find good fic. You have to rabbit around everywhere and put up with a lot of dreck.

BLEACH. I love Kubo Tite's art so much (SO MUCH), if only for the first book with Ichigo's t-shirts and skinny jeans and Rukia's super tiny awesomeness. It goes beyond the first book obvs but that first book, man, I imprinted on it harddd. I should catch up. SIGH. I hope he's gotten over his weird art stage by now. I like the fine-lines pls.

I have true appreciation for series that really mindfuck their main characters, as long as they do it right from the get-go. If they do it midway through I can't handle it.

You know what's stupid? CLAMP and Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicle, that's what. The art has deteriorated completely. Ugh storyline. Whatever. Vampire. WHATEVER!!!! Too bad X had such great art. XXXHolic has really great art too, and Yuuko, so that puts it above a lot of things. What am I talking about now.

HEY remember when I liked Faust VIII and Shaman King? Hoo boy.

There should be a new Saiyuki every month instead of this every whenever-we-damn-well-please nonsense Tokyopop is on. They don't even bother writing the month the next book is supposed to be out anymore.

Video game fandom confuses me but I forge on ahead anyway because I thought FF7: Advent Children was really pretty. THAT IS ALL I EVER, EVER NEED.

I love AUs. I do.

Tempestuous relationships:
Computer: Low Battery. You should change your battery or switch to outlet power immediately to keep from losing your work.
Me: You should shut your dirty whorish mouth!!!!!

My sister and I had like a three hour conversation today. Some of it was thoughtful, like gender-feminism stuff and race stuff and media stuff, but my FAVOOOOORITE parts were when we talked about what we liked!! Like so:

Me: I like it when boys wear t-shirts!
Her: I like wrists!
Me: Skinny ties!
Her: Scarves with winter hats!
Me: Skirts!
Her: Flats!
Me: Long legs on girls!
Her: Suits!
Me and Her: NO MUSTACHES

If you think I'm exaggerating you don't know us very well.

(For the record:
girl redheads, people with dark hair and light eyes, long-limbed girls - dancer's build, guys with fine-boned/delicate bone structure, skinny guys, blonde ladies, freckles, coats. And I think muttonchops are some of the most hideous physical ailments known to man. The conversation was a lot longer than just listing though because we kept giggling and trying to think of specific examples.)

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counting at war

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