flip flip flipadelphia
Nov. 30th, 2020 08:21 pmI was (potentially?) exposed to coronavirus at my workplace last Tuesday so I have been self-isolating at home since then. And hmmmmmm okay six days of being indoors 24/7 is not the best thing? I'm already such a recluse but this extra prohibition of not being able to order food for pick up (which is really the only thing that I go out for, besides monthly trips for groceries) is Taking a Toll. I've only been out to get the mail once and to putter around in the backyard. That one text post that's like "*spends all my time alone* perfect! but why am i crazy" only gets truer and truer for me by the day.
Also bad for the brain: I've probably gained 10-15 pounds and it does make me feel bad about myself, lol. Everything returns! EVERYTHING! Nothing ever goes away!! Anyway instead of being healthy about it by either 1. accepting that weight has nothing to do with self-worth, or 2. exercising more, I have decided to just decrease food consumption. I didn't eat until 1:30 p.m. today, and that was just half a cup of coffee, half a bowl of ramen, and half a cookie. At least what little I'm eating is nutritious, amirite.
Oh fuck. Typing this out made me realize that this feeling is the feeling of junior year of undergrad. COMPLETE with the Beatles renaissance. LOL jesus.
More self-obsession: trawling my old lj/dw entries and my old tumblr posts and feeling bigly embarrassed. I was trying so hard to be funny and/or sound smart, though I knew full well that I was neither. I think it depresses me more than normal because as I spend more time online, I really feel my age (Youths these days! they amaze and bedazzle, astound and confound!) and looking back makes me feel that I haven't grown, I've just become more self-aware. I feel a lot of guilt for not doing more in the world and for having ingrained liberalism. Only thoughts, no action. So much useless fear and anxiety. Now I just feel olllllllld with all the same horrible thoughts and feelings, and I can't even recast them into ~fresh new vernacular~ because I am just so very olllllllld. 2030 me will most likely look upon these posts and also be like "I wish I didn't know her." To my future self: scurry forward! We're all dying!
Also bad for the brain: I've probably gained 10-15 pounds and it does make me feel bad about myself, lol. Everything returns! EVERYTHING! Nothing ever goes away!! Anyway instead of being healthy about it by either 1. accepting that weight has nothing to do with self-worth, or 2. exercising more, I have decided to just decrease food consumption. I didn't eat until 1:30 p.m. today, and that was just half a cup of coffee, half a bowl of ramen, and half a cookie. At least what little I'm eating is nutritious, amirite.
Oh fuck. Typing this out made me realize that this feeling is the feeling of junior year of undergrad. COMPLETE with the Beatles renaissance. LOL jesus.
More self-obsession: trawling my old lj/dw entries and my old tumblr posts and feeling bigly embarrassed. I was trying so hard to be funny and/or sound smart, though I knew full well that I was neither. I think it depresses me more than normal because as I spend more time online, I really feel my age (Youths these days! they amaze and bedazzle, astound and confound!) and looking back makes me feel that I haven't grown, I've just become more self-aware. I feel a lot of guilt for not doing more in the world and for having ingrained liberalism. Only thoughts, no action. So much useless fear and anxiety. Now I just feel olllllllld with all the same horrible thoughts and feelings, and I can't even recast them into ~fresh new vernacular~ because I am just so very olllllllld. 2030 me will most likely look upon these posts and also be like "I wish I didn't know her." To my future self: scurry forward! We're all dying!
