hither and yon

*익숙하다 = to be familiar, accustomed, used to it



종현이가 노래하는걸 오래오래 보고싶다

보면서 속상하다 못해 화까지 나서 보던걸 꺼버렸었다.
앞부분을 놓쳐 상받는 종현이를 보려고 영상을 다운받으면서도 다신 안봐야겠다 싶었었다.
그래도 종현이는 너무 예쁘고 귀엽고 사랑스러웠다...눈 꼭 감고 노래하는 모습이 너무 감사하고 고마웠다.
 
에스엠에선 우리 샤이니가 이만큼 해요 라고 보여주고 싶었던 것 같은데 무대에서 맡은 역할을 보면
우리 종현이가 이만큼 해요 라고 보여주고 싶었던 걸로 밖엔 보이지 않는다.
한두번도 아니고 매 앨범 타이틀마다 왜 파트도 점점 많아지고 고음은 점점 높아지는지..왜 종현이에게 요구하는 것들이 점점 늘어가는지..
제발 다음앨범엔 종현이가 좀 더 편하게 무대할 수 있는 노래를 들고 나왔으면 좋겠다.
http://lo9ve3r4s48.blog.me/150158491973

I want to see Jonghyun singing for a long long time

While watching [the GDAs] I got so sad then I couldn't [be sad], I even got angry and I turned off what I watched.
Even though earlier I downloaded the video to see what I missed, Jonghyun getting the award, I don't want to watch it again.
Still, Jonghyun is so pretty and cute and lovely...I'm so grateful and thankful for the image/aspect of [him] singing with his eyes closed tight.

In SM it seemed like our SHINee was told to do all this much and wanted to show it* but when [you] see the roles on the stage
you can only see our Jonghyun being told to do all this much and wanting to show it.
It's not just once or twice, but every album on each title [track], why does he get more parts more and more, and the notes get higher more and more..why do the demands on Jonghyun go more and more...
Please, it would be good if a song that Jonghyun could perform more comfortably came out on the next album.
*this phrasing is really awkward, I know... I can't figure out a better way to translate it. I don't understand it completely either. ;;



이젠 종현이를 모르는 사람들이 불쌍하기까지 하다.

lyrics for Tegan & Sara's Drove Me Wild, typed out over seven plays on loop. *^*

( full disclosure: this song made me think of jjong at first lol hopeless i am hopeless )

steep collapse. I worked myself into a total frenzy and deactivated my twitter for now. I don't know what I want out of this. It's not like I don't want people to talk to me, or I don't want to talk to people. It's much more that I don't WANT to want those things, and the easiest way to void that desire is to shut off the possibility.  

I am really, really, really a petty and selfish person. I mean, all of this is a stunt for attention, but I am too embarrassed to own up to it or to leave myself open to an honest dialogue about it. So it's just me yelling PLEASE NOTICE ME!! BUT NO FOLLOW UP QUESTIONS!! THANK YOU. 

What follows is that, I am really sad... also, extremely uncannily good at alienating people and making them feel awkward and unwanted. At best it's a self-fulfilling prophecy; I pretty much always expect people to get tired of me (because I always feel like I've tricked them into liking me for whatever reason in the first place), so when I see signs of disinterest I flip out and start distancing of my own initiative. At worst, it's just the poison in my personality and I am in fact totally unlikable and faulty as a human being. But either way I tend to treat to people around me like shit to preserve a stale, but familiar, sense of safety. It's times like this that I realize I haven't grown at all. This selfish heart. It gets smaller by the month probably. 

In less messy, ugly matters; I am still really sad about Jonghyun's car accident. I don't know. It's not a serious injury but just the news of it, the idea that he is hurt AGAIN, hospitalized AGAIN (especially in this year, now, after health became such an important thing to him), being lampooned and criticized and mocked AGAIN; it finally broke something clean off inside me. I saw a k-fansite master say something to this effect on twitter, "it hurts to not be able to help you." There's something about the overwhelming uncontrollable nature of it, how cyclical and repetitive it seems. That with each turn of the cycle, it only gets worse. I'm just so tired. Because Jonghyun really does mean a lot to me, and I'm not balanced to be cool about anything concerning him. The constant negativity hurts me and makes me legitimately angry. I go straight deep, I take it all to heart. It's worse because (or part and parcel of) I'm also aware... paranoid... no, aware... that people judge me for it, or otherwise get tired of it. And I keep it in mind because I do think I need that awareness to keep myself in check. To keep myself from annoying others and being an element that makes fandom weary to them, the same way the objects of my derision are to me. But what's the point? It just draws out the process of people getting tired. I am so tired. 

I really love Jonghyun's Idol Superband cover, 아주 오래된 연인들. I've been listening to it on loop this morning. His voice is full of feeling, each phrase considered, curling with warmth at the edges. Floaty and rich at once~ I only dislike the high pitch near the end. And he's so fun to watch; he's in constant motion because he has to move with the music lol. King charming ㅎㅅㅎ

And of course, SHINee were amazeballs in their Sherlock performance in the same Gayo.

I'm so bored and listless!! This new bout of Onew Stans Causing Trouble for the Fandom is really wearing on me. I wish there was a bubble in the internet where I could have enough distance to see this kind of bullshit and laugh, but those people are everywhere and thus the bubble is impossible. 

I started this entry in late September and I'm digging it up now for my incredibly half-assed nablopomo'tion.

Do it anyway!

I want to buy Ben Folds Five's new CD but I have no monies. Indeedly do. 

My cat has been sick since late September and I've been very stressed out. Just marking that in here. 

Quick! Catch all the little foxes before they ruin the vineyard of your love, for the grapevines are all in blossom. - Song of Songs 2:15

It probably means something douchey since it's from the Bible but just on its own, I think it sounds nice lol. Quick! Catch all the little foxes! The vineyard of your loooove!

My desire to make myself proactive and to make myself grow up sends out all these misfired signals. Really I just end up saddling myself with responsibility that I don't need. Like feeling guilty for making a mistake while driving. Or not wanting people to wish happiness for me because I don't want to disappoint them by continuing to be unhappy/failing to be happy. And that's a problem too, thinking of happiness as an end state to achieve. It makes the concept so accessible though. 

I'm ten (if the bathroom scales are wrong) to twenty (if they're right) pounds underweight right now. I look and feel gross a lot. But eating is a chore. I'm tired (because I didn't eat) and basically I ask myself "is basic upkeep worth it?" The answer is no. Also sometimes I feel like things are way too tight-knitted in my head, where everything is connected to something else. So eating entails getting up, thinking about what I want, making a decision, preparing the food, cleaning up. But while I'm "on" I should do other stuff, like get dressed. Wash the dishes. Clean the floor. I should floss, I should exercise, I should write, I should comment, I should check my email, I should call people, I should look more seriously for a job... Like, all those things are so connected, in unstoppable sequence to me. And if I avoid the most basic task - eat - then it's like, how am I ~ever~ meant to get started with everything else? I don't have the energy! Because I haven't eaten! If I can't even feed myself, how am I supposed to do anything else?

idk if this "theory" really makes sense though lol. If there's food in front of me, I'll eat it without problem. It's just that I can't get started on my own. 

re: New Girl. ugh I had a whole thing typed up but I backspaced the page instead of text on accident and I lost it so I don't feel like it anymore. Don't like Jess, not a huge fan of Nick, like everyone else. Also, I really dislike the random racist jokes. (ex: The Lizzie Caplan character, who was a straight character and not meant to be seen as a douche, talking on the phone to her Asian coworker and saying shit about chopsticks and Confucius say? Like literally, she said "Confucius say." What the fuck.)

Onew sucks and his stans are the worst. I legit judge people who really like him. Experience is on my side here. 

so damn sleepy z__z

No one ever writes stuff I want to read, ie SHINee (Jonghyun) raise a litter of kittens. I would even settle for them (him) raising just one kitten. Life is very cruel to me.

omg I just tried to post this. Just those three sentences!! I think everything is like twitter now. It's a wonder I don't
like this.
typing
actually start

Better twitter than tumblr though!! God what have I become. idk now I just feel stupid whenever I talk. It's like delivering a monologue but I don't have anything to say. I guess I'll just mumble to myself.

Rereading old fic and as usual it's making me feel giddy/sad/nervous.

Wow I really can't get back into this. It's like all ~topic sentences and I don't know how to elaborate. Well hopefully muscle memory will kick in. ;~;

I missed Julian's concert because I thought it was at 4 PM, not 2:30 PM. I wasn't in the mood to check my email.