kerpingtack | Recent Entries

(I had this private locked, I guess I meant to add more to it?? But I don't remember what.)

I drafted an entire post in my head while I was steeping in the bath like tea, but I don't know where this road will take me now! I already dithered about just opening this tab. Oh, who could have known that lj'ing would become so hard for me? I used to be a fucking spambot lol.

LOL I found this as a private, never published post:

endless shuffle meme

1. Jon Brion - Collecting Things (from the Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind soundtrack)
2. Sakamoto Chika - Mayonaka Hitori (Bishoujo Senshi Sailormoon: Yaten Kou image song)
3. The Beatles - Blackbird
4. Blondie - D-Day
5. Sufjan Stevens - The Great God Bird
6. Joseph Arthur - Black Lexus
7. Charlotte Martin - Up All Night
8. Ben Folds Five - Do It Anyway
9. Robert Pattinson - Never Think
10. Kelly Clarkson - One Minute
11. Singin' in the Rain - Beautiful Girl Montage
12. Kim Jonghyun - 귀로 (Gwiro) (live at 1000 Songs)
13. The Dixie Cups - Chapel of Love

so many white devils

Well, it's true.

I had an interview today and I am studiously trying to avoid thinking about it, which means it pops up again once every hour and I have to stomp the thought down a drain. ;~~;

Take a good! Swing at me! And everything, is even! I always read Chvrches as its stylized spelling, "CHUVURCHES."

Repeating myself over and over: I'm always right about Jonghyun, and literally everyone else in ifandom, except for maybe ten people, is objectively, scientifically, and morally wrong. Don't dispute this!!11 Sometimes I am spoiling to fight with people, but other days I just feel beaten into a flat pancake. SHINee ifandom is so joyless and idiotic, and the people I hate the most are the twenty somethings who should REALLY know better, but do not. I bring this up because I've been seeing EVERYONE I hate post re: Jonghyun's recent support of the Are you annyeong? poster protests. It is beyond excruciating.

Copy+pasted from twitter for posterity:

[last night]

cries, i dashed my head against the stair banister while swooping down to smooch tom tom ;;;; [melon's brother, who is staying with us while his owners are out of town on and off]

and earlier when i was getting dressed after my shower i mistook my tights for a shirt and tried to stick my arms in. it was so confusing. the world is so hurtful and tricky. pineapple hurt mouth ; n ;

[today]

i have a bruise on my forehead from hitting it on the banister huhuhu

i have the same approach to everything: be indecisive and non-committal abt smth i potentially want, wait long enough until i can't do anything to achieve it; then after a while, get sick of my stagnation and charge blindly into smth telling myself "just DO something"/"take a risk" but it turns out to be a disaster and then i use that as an excuse to keep hesitating.

so anyway the scarf i wanted sold out while it was rotting in my online shopping cart ; n ;

i hope everyone who calls today can hear the defeat in my voice when i answer the phone. take pity on me, make this quick

LITERALLY THE STUPIDEST PERSON POSSIBLE. the sidebar on this site disappears if you hover the mouse over it and yet i kept trying to click it over and over, feeling distraught, "WHY CAN'T I CLICK IT???"

squeedaily.tumblr.com/post/69095938934/meet-scout-yup-he-definitely-loves-his-human … "this is cute." half a second later: "i could do this too. someone take a picture of me w a phonebook on my head"

TRACING THE HISTORY OF TODAY'S DOWNWARD SPIRAL: last night i fell asleep downstairs on the rug. the cats slept next to me on the couch. at 3am i woke up disoriented. all the lights in the room were on and for some reason i was like OMG I SLEPT UNTIL CHRISTMAS, I DIDN'T EVEN BUY ANYONE PRESENTS!!!!!!!!!! then i stumbled up the stairs, brushed my teeth in a stupor for like five minutes, fell back asleep after playing candy crush a couple of times, bolted awake at 7:15 late to drop julian off at school, startling the cats who had followed me upstairs and had puddled themselves around my person, barrelled out the door, fell back asleep when i came home, OVERSLEPT AGAIN, got to work late...

I'M JJANG GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN

I live very shallowly and insensitively. Like what am I? Am I a person? What kind of person lives like this?

It's hard to feel good about yourself when you just don't feel good.

I feel so stupid, which is a displaced way of saying that I am stupid and I am constantly feeling it.

re: SHINee winning Artist of the Year at the Melon Music Awards: When Key and Minho broke down in tears during their speech, I felt like crying too. It meant so much to all of them, it was humbling. I'm happy for SHINee, and I love them so much; but I wish they could have gotten it without having to work a crazy back-to-back-to-back-to-back comeback schedule. Without the further decomposition of Jonghyun's voice. Over five full years since their debut. I wish they could have gotten it sooner. They deserve much more. And still Jonghyun is apologizing, feeling like it was too big of an honor.

blehhhh clutches Starbucks sludge

I haven't even logged into dw/lj in a full two months, which is a record!

These thoughts are not deep but they "feel" like they belong here, not tweets. Though I have already started to forget what I wanted to talk about.

We got a new cat on September 1, kind of by accident. A family at church just got two kittens but they couldn't take care of both and they wanted to know if we wanted one. Once Julian got wind of this information, he was relentless and right after church, we went to their house and picked one of them up, and that was that!

She had a lot of different names attached to her, but over time nature took its course and the names that stuck were Melon and 꼭지 (Kkokji, which means like, little cap/lid).

I didn't want to get attached, and I went way out of my way to make sure nothing that was "Chorong's" applied to Melon (different brands of food, different litter box, different toys, etc) and I don't tweet or share pictures of her much, but it was all in vain. I guess ~not being ridiculously attached~ is impossible for me, because I am definitely very bonded at this point hahaha. I feel stupid but I'm trying not to feel guilty (guilty for not trying to look for Chorong anymore). On paper it doesn't sound like a bad weak thing to be attached and feel love, but in real life it feels embarrassing and awkward and hard to express. I mean, I enjoy it on my own, but I can't think of how to talk about it without inviting some degree of ridicule or concern.

On Saturday I went on a long crying jag. Just noting it.

My own complacency and fear annoy me so much at time I feel like I'm suffocating but then I reason it away. It's like a lump in my throat; how do you climb over a wall that's inside yourself? Like what are your footholds, or what do you need to erode or dig away? Bleughhoohaaa.

My ability to have talking with thoughts has really super corroded. How do I do this?? Am I meant to be on twitter forever now, as I cannot sustain anything past little tag-length phrases? Oh dearie me.

I can't remember what else I wanted to say!! How typical.

To round out this standard entry: I wish death upon all my natural enemies, aka anyone who talks shit about Jonghyun. There was a VERY STRANGE entry on omona where none of the comments were negative and hateful at all (I'm guessing the usual cabal of Benedict Cumberbatch-style Onew stans were all out of commission at the same time or something?), but then like three days later I found the most infuriating piece of shit posts on tumblr, so in my head things are back to normal. Every sentence written by ifans are like the comments on news articles on places like Yahoo.

The trick is to do painful things in safe spaces. I talked about Chorong today like he was definitively gone. Although I have a stack of flyers I just printed out yesterday lol. I might put them up, even though, obviously, what is the use? It will only hurt. I will change my facebook picture soon. Trivial things. I think I've received enough signs that there is no use. There's a lot more I could have done but I did a reasonable amount - though of course I wish I did more, I wish I found him.

This was really hard for me. I was made very tremulous and fragile with my hope and misery. I don't think I'll love another thing like I loved Chorong. It was a cautionary tale. It was too much. Maybe when I'm stronger, when I've learned to lean more on myself instead of trying to split my soul to another body, I can do it.

Though the temperature is ignoring it, summer is ending soon. It wasn't a vacation! I can't bear thinking that it happened for a reason. But it happened all the same.

Suddenly I feel extremely shitty right now. I just want to be dead, I hate everything about myself, I hate working here, but I'm too scared to do anything else. I hate everything I feel. I'm so frustrated with feeling like I don't understand anything, and like I'm not trying hard enough. Crying all over the place this summer. In full public at my desk? SURE WHY NOT.

My thoughts are getting more scattered. Metaphorical too. Or maybe it's the way I write that's getting more unhinged? I feel much more diffuse.

I thought there was stuff I wanted to talk about but nope!

I really like f(x)'s lyrics most of the time. I guess ~knetizens~ bitch about them being meaningless, but it's a nice change of pace. "Should I try throwing a net onto your invisible body?"

Slept 1.5 hours and now am alive only by the grace of God and coffee. My stomach is protesting all this. I'm sorry, this is just who we are, stomach. On the plus side some of my skirts are feeling a little tight which means I am gaining weight. Right? I don't know if this makes sense. I am insensate.

My important tweets about the Boys Meet U short MV:

how long will jjong wear color contacts... when will my suffering be over

he's so cute though ;a;ldjfalkjf;;;;

oh the bikes were for this mv!

SCREAMS JJONG WITH THE DOG

Boys Meet U. alternate title, SHINee Put Their Hands On Each Other's Shoulders

crying jjong looking her straight in the eye and waving alkjdf

lmfao at the ending lmaoooooo

i hope that one day shinee will have an mv with five girls, not just one that the whole group chases/pines after/stares at

anyway what a waste of striped shirts and a malt shop!!!!!!

this video should just have been the group trying to teach jonghyun how to ride a bike. i don't need boys to meet me, i need to see jjong wobbling around and yelping while minho yells at him like a triathlon coach and ontarkey sit around eating

Then this devolved/evolved into thinking about Jonghyun clattering around with training wheels and burrowing into the sand with Roo.

I'M SO HUNGRY AND CRANKY ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

wrt Pacific Rim crossovers:

(crazed jjong stan mode) jjong and sodam, except sodam has a talent and passion for the science/research side of the kaiju resistance and doesn't want to be a pilot and jjong obviously respects her wishes 400000% but there's no one as drift compatible w him, until [idk, insert person of the otp of your choice, i don't have strong feelings abt this part lol]. mostly i enjoy the thought of jjong wandering around the shatterdome w roo tucked under his arm looking for max the bulldog and taking pictures of everything lol

I don't really care about Pacific Rim, but I care about anything automatically if Jonghyun is involved. This is how it is inside the pasta bowl that is my stan brain.

Jonghyun is such a supportive person. He is a great sunbae to Exo and f(x), with his tweets and his showers of compliments and attention and fond fondness. He is like that toward his members too, and his family and whoever else. His devotion and straightforward affection for people, sigh ;~~~;!! If he likes a person, he throws himself behind them so totally. ilh

Current Music: f(x) - Airplane

( dogwood blooms )

I have really bad eating habits. I ate a couple of bites of a questionable chicken sandwich this morning, five pecans, and drank a bottle of water. Will probably go out to dinner tonight, at least?

Timeline of mine real life: three weeks ago I had a lot of my anxieties reaffirmed, and I needed all of the next week to recover from it. Last Monday I cried in a sorrowful nervous breakdown kind of way. I want to stabilize myself this week.

I'm going to legit work on my resume again and legit apply to teach in Korea. This is going to happen!! ~*I*~ am going to happen!!!!

I want to see Pacific Rim, The Heat, and Despicable Me 2. And How to Train Your Dragon 2 (June 2014!!).

I really felt like Chorong was dead last Monday, which was a big part of why I cried so hard. But later I thought that if I don't know, why would I want to think of him as dead? When I drive home I take a sort of side country road. There's a small canal on one side and fields on the other for most of the way. I could see him walking on a fence clearly, and now it's a happy image. Like, now it doesn't make me profoundly sad to "see" him like that. Similarly, it used to make me so sad and overwhelmed to look at the fields, because it just seemed like there were so many places he could be, so many places I could miss. But now I look out and the furthest point I can see across the fields - he could be just beyond there. Just that much. Playing and lazing and sleeping and chasing things and being loved by the sun or the shade or whoever finds him or whoever has found him.

I've let go of some of my selfishness as well. It's okay if we don't see him again, if he's alive and healthy. And I've done a lot to look for him, or all that I reasonably could, I think. I will keep looking but I'm not as wrung out and raw about it.

There's a lot to be happy about and grateful for, even if it's gone now. We gave each other a good start anyway. I still haven't put away his food or litter box though, and I don't think I will have the heart to do it for a long time.

I feel disordered. How do I become the person I want to be without punishing myself for the person I helplessly am, etc. The news is always depressing. God I need to eat something.

Square candies that look round!

This was written May 31 and I never finished it and I have come to accept that this is the final state, so I'm just posting it now. Also I'm aware that my ~entries usually don't have any themes or whatnot. idk what constitutes a finished entry. It's just something that I am satisfied with, with some kind of personal closure or packaging of thoughts.

songs
Hong Kyungmin - 순정 (Genuine) (live Koyote cover, IMS2 120721) [LQ youtube rip]
Final Fantasy (Owen Pallett) - Furniture
SNSD - Express 999
Panic! at the Disco - Mad As Rabbits
Devin Townshend - Sit in the Mountain
Kim Jonghyun - 시간이 늦었어 (It's Late) (live SHINee Day event 130525) [dl]
Belle & Sebastian - String Bean Jean
Anni Rossi - Machine
The Go! Team - Huddle Formation
Moxy Früvous - Green Eggs & Ham (live at Amherst)
Dal Shabet - Pink Rocket

I read tons and tons of Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicle fic this week. My appetite is huge, I will just tear through a fandom and its underbrush reading all the fic I can find lol. There's a lottt of good stuff though. Everything by Klitch, Mikkeneko, shadow-of-egypt, aliferlia...

annoying self-involved things
I wonder if I tell myself stuff like "you're ugly" to convince myself of my unlikeliness for success, which in turn justifies my fear. If my self-doubt is justified, then my failure is guaranteed, then I don't have to try.

What does it even matter if I'm ugly or not? My train of thought: Because if I am, then it means that I have nothing, not even a nice shell, worthy of time or attention. And it means that the outside matches the inside. It doesn't make sense but it ~feels~ right haha. It's such a dumb thing to think about, but shamefully enough, I DO think about it, literally multiple times everyday. This presupposes that ~being ugly~ is an objective state to begin with. And if I try to spin it, like, "if I'm ugly TO ME" - that falls apart too, because I'll always be ugly TO ME, because... if I'm not, then...?

It's hard to think about these things, because just by thinking them, it makes them truer or stronger. Words are spells, and all that. If I say "I dislike myself" then it becomes something I can lean on, depend on, base other things around. Which is in part why I say it: I need something about myself of which to be certain, and I need a way to locate myself in the world. Or else I just feel so vague and formless and lost.

Maybe I feel scared of my potential. Or my own happiness. They're bundled inexorably with their opposites - failure, unhappiness. Thinking "I don't have any potential" is easier than trying. And I stay moored to that thought, because in my experience, trying is just humiliating and painful. I never had a payoff good enough to justify that risk. And I don't have the faith or strength in life to pursue things on principle. I keep my world small and manageable, and I try to stamp down the unhappiness that comes from that, because I don't want to be backed into a corner where I HAVE to fight for myself. If I don't mind it that much, then it's okay, I don't have to change or act. I don't want to be in turmoil. I don't want each inhale to press tears out of me.

I just made myself feel sad and hopeful and fragile just reading through my /quotes tag on my fucking tumblr. So many of these quotes are about how to let go, how to love in a way that doesn't harm yourself. But I can't let go of things because I feel like I have so little; if I let go, I won't have even that anymore. I've thought so much, I put myself in a deadlock every which way.

Elliptically relatedly, I realized that I am very drawn to story arcs where the character finds it within themselves to live for themselves. "In a dream you saw a way to survive and you were full of joy." See: Fai from Tsubasa. Sanzo from Saiyuki, in his Burial arc story, counts for me too. I don't know how to articulate things further. "An interesting way of life, deny yourself the benefits of being alive."

AND BECAUSE ALL ROADS LEAD TO JONGHYUN: This is why I love Jonghyun. To cry a lot, to laugh a lot, to quietly give yourself confidence. To love the world and the people around you, including yourself in that love. It's such a difficult thing for me, unfathomably brave.

rough brain map by the tabs I have up in this Google Chrome window:

- five tabs related to jjong
- one tab for missing cats, but it's the first tab
- four tabs with various phone cases (3 etsy, 1 amazon)
- one tab for an article about Elementary
- one tab for an article about Hannibal
- one tab for an article about procrastination
- two tabs for Teen Wolf fics
- one tab for a jongho fic on asianfanfics (THEY ARE FIREFIGHTERS AND MINHO THOUGHT JONGHYUN HAD DIED IN THE BUILDING BUT ACTUALLY JJONG JUST RESCUED A PUPPY FOR A LITTLE GIRL!!!!!!)
- one tab for twitter
- two tabs for New Girl tags
- two tabs for random people's tumblrs

but seriously, jjong just tweeted a poem about his dog and how much she ate, full of puns, along with a picture of her lying on her side looking stuffed and lazy lol. this boy is literally too good for life.

sunny on twitter and instagram is improving the world as well. i love how she manages to squeeze in the english translations/equivalents. and i love all the mentions of her laziness and poking-fun-at-self humor. ;;;;;; sunny my love ;;;;;

tv shows: elementary, teen wolf. rewatched a bunch of new girl s1 episodes today. will catch up on hannibal (stopped after ep 4 on account of how bored i was lol. i get bored sf fast ~__~)

jumbled uncategorized thoughts re: shinee/kpop fandom:
- i made a very informed decision to care only about jonghyun, and it was a good one. and it came at a good time because the more onew exists, the more i dislike him.
- i was so stressed and angry when i was in shinee fandom, and i was constantly doubting myself and my own reactions. there was nothing within fandom, no kind of commentary or communal joy or anything, to draw emotions out of or bounce thoughts of.
- the comments on netizenbuzz articles (the ones made by ifans, not the ones translated in the articles) really emphasized how appallingly and egregiously eurocentric, petty, and blinder'd the discourse in this fandom is. i generalize because you seriously CAN generalize in kpop, everyone is just on the same level. and that level is like... yahoo comments. i include the pretentious people in this assessment as well (seoulbeats lol).

had a big tangle of thoughts about chorong but too tired now. will sleep and pull them out later.

I took two Benadryl yesterday and it knocked me the hell out. I slept for fifteen hours, then slept another half hour after I got dressed for work. Ahaha. huuu

I gotta get rid of this concert ticket. What was I thinking when I bought it, it's too far away, and it's on a terrible day because my mom will be gone and there is no one to look after my brother. If I try to go, I'd have to make a round trip, 5.5 hours each way. ; ___ ; My stupidity is so expensive omfg.

The wireless went out so I'm tiptapping all this on my phone. This fact will be most impressive in the next line!!:

A friend linked me to this and it's so fucking good, omg. What a find!! I've been jamming to it all morning. The brief glimpses I get of the video are great too.

yeah I typed out that link!!

(edit: my pride was for nothing!! I didn't type it out correctly lol. I capitalized an 'H' when it should've been an 'h'. the link is fixed!)

Now listening to Sam Cooke. She was too young to fall in love, and I was too young to know~

( twitter runoff )

just writing it down quickly before i leave the house

my dream: walking at the side of the house, see a cat zoom by. I catch it, I can feel it in my arms, I can see its face (not well, but I can) - unlike the other dream where I couldn't feel or see it properly and so I knew something wasn't real. it's Chorong and I go into the house feeling so desperate. I call for my mom and almost in a shout ask her "Can you see him? Can you see him? It's not a dream, right?" holding him, feeling the weight, trying to concentrate of the feeling of fur against my skin. she looks at me without saying anything for too long. "No." I understand right away and drop my arms. she tells me to do something, some kind of housework. I go upstairs, looking at the carpet.

(private locked to public)

- how to have hope without expectation.
- what i should be accepting is that there are things you can't control, and that loss happens without logic or lesson. but instead this feels like even if it's something i really love, care about, and want, and even when i do my best and do what needs to be done, it doesn't work and it doesn't matter and it doesn't change anything. yet i can't NOT do it. i do what i do because i am who i am. the behavior is tracked in, human in a helpless way.
- i want to say, "I still can't even do it all" but it's not honest. i did what i could. whatever was possible of me, i did it, and i can't punish myself for not doing more. i did what i could, i did what i could, i did what i could. but that makes the first statement sadder. i did what i could and it feels like nothing. because of that, i feel defeated, and energy has sapped out of me. so i don't know if i have the strength to keep doing what i can.
- i don't think of myself as superstitious but i want to believe in things like charms and numbers. it's now a week.
- earlier i tested out saying "chorong doesn't matter. it doesn't matter if he's dead or if i'll never see him again. i don't love him now." to stop it from affecting me. but i discarded the test. it wasn't true, and i can't erase it just because he's gone now. it's wrong and deceitful to try to lessen the value, the pure weight of love i felt, the debt of gratitude i have.

130617 @ 3am

Because I need to write everything out, here it is: if he's not dead, he's alive. And if he's alive, I can find him.

My cat has been missing since Friday night. I should wait until it's been five - ten days to feel really hopeless at least, but he has FLUTD/FUS. I am very worried that he's blocked (can't urinate), because cats can go septic and die within the day when that happens.

I can't think of what else to do. I would physically search the neighbors' yards but I don't have permission. If I leave food out, ants swarm it. If I use bug spray to deal with that, I'm afraid the chemical smell will repel Chorong from the food as well.

I've put up and passed out flyers, went to the city animal shelter and two vets offices, and I walk around the neighborhood. It's not enough but I don't know what else I can do.

Worst case scenarios
1. He has already died.
2. He is dying.
3. He is injured/trapped/spooked so he is in survival mode and unwilling/unable to make noise or come out when he hears me calling for him.
4. He has wandered further than the neighborhood.
5. Someone took him in and does not know he isn't a stray/does not want to give him back.

The last one is included as a worst case scenario out of selfishness. It means we won't see him again.

On Saturday night we heard meows that sounded very much like him down the street, but we didn't see him. None of the neighbors have called either.

What am I going to tell my brother if he comes back from music camp on Saturday and we still haven't found him.

Oh, how the bloggeurs have fallen!

- I woke up feeling cold and with a pain in my hip. What an old lady I am.
- The other day I saw six red cars in a row and it was quite a sight! I felt like I had found something in a life-wide scavenger hunt.
- My anger, my addictive/obsessive personality, and my capacity for emotional abuse are scary. I blame my dad for all three haha. Is it misguided hubris to think that I can try to contain this on my own, without therapy or other kinds of outside, concentrated help? Why do I ask when I know the answer... T__T I just suck. Ugh.
- I really love the idea of someone's kindness being the thing that hurts them the most. Kindness as a fatal flaw? (In a literal, colloquial understanding of the phrase, not the Aristotlian/classical literature sense.) "Love" in this case includes the sentiment of "find unbearably sad and tragic as hell."
- Why do I like being sad so much? I guess it just feels very honest to me. And complete. It's a strong emotion for me, and it's not ambiguous. I just like being able to feel it, maybe. Romanticizing, etc.
- I LOVE Elementary. SO MUCH. I don't want to ~expound on it, because I've been hurt by tv shows in days past and it's scared me off of investing too much ~emotional energy in shows, but omg. I was a little afraid that my love for it would be kinda dry, academic - like "I know I should like this because it's quality and there's nothing wrong with it" (appreciation without feeling - ex: what I feel about Adventure Time. I just feel no connection with or special fondness for that show). But I love it tons, I love this Sherlock, I love love LOVE Watson, I like the supporting cast and I like the sense of respect and history to the characters. The crimes of the day can be boring and whatever, but they aren't the point of the show, and that's why I like it. The characterization is so so strong. Just many acres and storms and pounds and whatever else of love <3__<3
- Small points of pride: I am good at ripping paper without scissors in straight lines, and I tie neat bows.
- Nothing makes one feel like the picture of strength and vitality than having to take off one's thin dangly butterfly earrings because they're too heavy.
- Line of thought I'm too muddled to hash out: I'm too self-aware, and sometimes I pathologize physical things in my body. I should just stop noticing things. Even when I don't attach particular meanings to dumb shit, I still think about it more than is warranted (which is usually nothing). Like my bra is killing me right now, so I'm thinking about how I can't find the bra I usually wear, it went missing last week when all the people were at the house - oh god anxiety from remembering that, I'm wearing the wrong bra size, anxiety about that because of the thought of bra fittings, I don't know where the tape measure is, I lost too much weight and bras don't fit... I don't have money... why does this feel so uncomfortable anyway? Am I gaining weight? Am I just cranky? etc... Similar things for my shoes, and hunger, and cuts on my legs, and my skin. I feel distant from my body, so I think about it a lot, trying to bridge the gaps, trying to bring my internal life closer to what houses it in the real world. It doesn't take, though.
- Anyway my default course of action is to drink water. Or to think about drinking water, since I am often too lazy to do that.

As you all know, Jonghyun is beautiful and a glorious angel of the lord and I love him and he makes the world better for every moment he is alive and all facts are true and also, also, also --!!!! I'm so so so glad he's back. ; ~~~ ;

Current Music: Port O'Brien - I Woke Up Today

The house was in tumult the past week. Tons of dust has been unearthed and everything is in new places. I switched to the bigger bedroom. I was a little... not worried or afraid, but just aware that Chorong might stay in his spot on the windowsill in the small bedroom. Like, he liked the spot because of the spot itself, not because it was near me. But he moved with me to the big bedroom and he hangs out there, and now that I have a bigger bed, he sleeps with me on it too. :'3 It makes me really happy.

I think people are afraid that I'm going to get stuck in this town. I don't have a real sense of that - like, I don't really know what that would look like, and I don't personally feel that stultified now - so I'm not too worried. I don't have anything that sets my blood on fire or whatever. Maybe I'm snuffing out my own light by staying so still but for now, it's all I can deal with. I do feel panicked when I think about how I have no image for my future at all. I don't know what I want, at all; I have no plan. My strategy is to hesitate so long that things become irrelevant lol. Social work, whaaa? Teach in Korea, whaaaaa? Look for a job, whaaaaaaaaaa? idk. It sounds shitty and it's definitely unambitious/devoid of any forward motion, but it's manageable and I can live with it. Which is important to me. T___T Like, there's a comic on tumblr re: "getting out of your comfort zone!!" and they were like, "But I'm literally always uncomfortable." EVERYTHING is out of my comfort zone, except for sitting alone in a room with reasonable assurance that no one will intrude.

I think that's part of the reason why I felt so damn crazy last week. There were so many people at the house and they needed to keep moving to different parts of the house. There was no place for me to go or stay or anything.

Hm, returning to the possibility of me being stuck in this town: I hear it mostly from people who have lived in the area their whole lives, and they feel so suffocated by it and want to leave, to ~spread their wings and see what there is to see, etc. But I kinda feel like I left, and I failed to realize the possibilities, so I'm okay with retuning and staying. Hahaha.

My dad once told me that he just didn't want to see me get shrunken in. That I don't go out, I don't know many people, I don't do much, and my world just becomes very small. Well. But what if that's the only way I can deal with it? Because right now, the alternative seems like just a big wide world of noise and anxiety and no place to settle or feel safe.

I think writing long form entries encourage self-reflection, which is synonymous with self-hatred to me. Because now I feel like shit lol. twitter makes me feel like shit too though, for a different reason.

As always, sorry about my boring life!!

anxiety and stress. I just feel physically terrible, shaky. resent having to say it on the internet because there's no one in real life I can reach presently.

On the drive to work I thought about visiting my bost frond in Oakland after work; just taking off like a shot without going home or anything. So I indulged in that plan/fantasy for a few minutes before I remembered that my brother's field trip is not, actually, an overnight trip and he will still need to be picked up in the evening. Plus who would feed my cat? Who will sa~ave your soul?

I feel stressed out because I've been hemorrhaging money for a while now. I still have about $75 of debts to pay and things that need to be bought. T__T Of course even with that in mind, I went to Sephora yesterday and bought lipstick. Hahaha. Ugh.

from old entries never posted:

"i am really sorry i know i am not a good writer..this chapter seems boring..hihi anyway hpoe you guys enjoy.." omg I am crazy emotional/mood swingy today. I read this and I was all ;~; DON'T WORRY YOU ARE DOING FINE!!! (110920)

I hate faux affected sincerity so fucking much. (110726)

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hither and yon

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