OLD UNFINISHED ENTRY
stepping out alive
2015-03-30 01:34 am
A TERRIBLE BACK-AND-FORTH: "I don't want to post because other people will read it and think I am stupid... so I should just write for myself and not worry about what anyone's gonna think... BUT WHAT IS THE POINT OF WRITING IF NO ONE'S GONNA READ IT? I can talk to myself all day in my own damn head like normal. Writing it down isn't doing me any favors, it doesn't matter if I remember it or not. So I can only post if it's something REALLY GOOD so I don't have to worry about being discovered as dumb."
I've had this dilemma pinwheeling in my head almost every time I opened the lj/dw page for like the past two years. So sad. But this morning, I realized that I could have circumvented cycles upon cycles by remembering the most compelling argument: FUCK IT, WHATEVER. Can't believe I forgot that! FUCK IT, WHATEVER. Rhetorical dreadnought!
I used to kinda feel like I was getting away with something, like there was a cosmic axe hanging over my head waiting for the time when my failings would catch up to me and I would get the life that I deserved. Writing it out really emphasizes how dramatic and nonsensical it was, lol. I don't know why I felt like this. It just seemed like I SHOULDN'T be allowed to keep being the way I was. It was definite privilege that even let me survive (having money and a loving family).
I guess it was a neurotic obsession with balance in general, just the idea that things could be evened out on ledgers. Like, "I'm bad at this and this, so I must be equally good at that or that... right??" But of course I couldn't find anything that I could comfortably proclaim proficiency at lol, so it felt like I was just in CONSTANT deficit.
I still enjoy the idea but it's not as fixed in my head as it used to be. I have more acceptance of the fundamental inequity of the universe. So I could very well just always have a life better than I deserve, no matter what I do or don't do. But I also have more acceptance of the fact that things, especially people, just can't be compared sometimes. Like we're not all in the same units. We are all apples and oranges to one another. I think you need to be around people to learn this. You have to put yourself in context with ~HUMANITY~, and to think of the context as like a garden or a beach or something, not a hierarchy. So you find yourself in a clutch of flowers, or a palmful of sand, and you see that you're smaller or different-shape-ier than some of the other grains (OR WHATEVER IT IS), but you're still a flower like they are and you're still there. And that's better than trying to locate yourself in a scale, "I'm better than person A but worse than person B; if I fall below this line, then I'm at the bottom and I want to cross myself off the fucking list."
Like TWO MONTHS AGO, there was a week where there was a ton of fog every morning. I was driving to work and I saw one of the parking lots downtown, and it looked so strange and unfamiliar, I didn't know what the hell it was. The lights irregular and floating without perspective in the haze. It was some Midgar-ian shit.
CURRENT UNFINISHED ENTRY
Goddamn, I am so fucking sleepy. I would even nap in the car, which is akin to deciding to bake myself in an oven in a blanket of foil, except the car isn't even here! I'm white-knuckling it. The weather has been unbearably hot - like 90deg by 10am and even at 10pm - so it's made sleeping really difficult.
Last night there was lightning without a hint of rain. It scared the bejeezus out of me when I stepped out to make a late bank run. I was so uneasy about it that I made my sister come with me, lol. It was cracking the sky from all directions. I think It lasted for at least two hours. At about 1am, there was some desultory rain that barely left an impression. It just made the air feel steamy and smell like wet newspaper. It was considerably cooler outside while the lightning was lightning-ing, and I guess it cooled the overall temperature down, though it's still really hot today.
The world is so amazing. Giant flashes of light! Splitting the sky open! Booms of sound rolling across the air! Where does it come from? Where does it go? Cotton-eyed Joe!? How lost we'd be without even our small debris of Science. Like, no wonder people had to invent gods and suchlike. Seeing the lightning in a clear, dead, hot sky, devoid of rain and clouds to obstruct the view - it made it feel like something was on the other side of the sky, and there wasn't even an other side of the sky until then. How can you live with these huge things happening without at least trying to lay claim to it? Leash it with a fucking narrative damnit.
I really wish there was a place to sleep publicly omfg. I want to lie downnn.
