Square candies that look round!
This was written May 31 and I never finished it and I have come to accept that this is the final state, so I'm just posting it now. Also I'm aware that my ~entries usually don't have any themes or whatnot. idk what constitutes a finished entry. It's just something that I am satisfied with, with some kind of personal closure or packaging of thoughts.
songs Hong Kyungmin - 순정 (Genuine) (live Koyote cover, IMS2 120721)
[LQ youtube rip]Final Fantasy (Owen Pallett) - FurnitureSNSD - Express 999Panic! at the Disco - Mad As RabbitsDevin Townshend - Sit in the MountainKim Jonghyun - 시간이 늦었어 (It's Late) (live SHINee Day event 130525)
] Belle & Sebastian - String Bean JeanAnni Rossi - MachineThe Go! Team - Huddle FormationMoxy Früvous - Green Eggs & Ham (live at Amherst)Dal Shabet - Pink Rocket
I read tons and tons of Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicle fic this week. My appetite is huge, I will just tear through a fandom and its underbrush reading all the fic I can find lol. There's a lottt of good stuff though. Everything by Klitch, Mikkeneko, shadow-of-egypt, aliferlia...
annoying self-involved things
I wonder if I tell myself stuff like "you're ugly" to convince myself of my unlikeliness for success, which in turn justifies my fear. If my self-doubt is justified, then my failure is guaranteed, then I don't have to try.
What does it even matter if I'm ugly or not? My train of thought: Because if I am, then it means that I have nothing, not even a nice shell, worthy of time or attention. And it means that the outside matches the inside. It doesn't make sense but it ~feels~ right haha. It's such a dumb thing to think about, but shamefully enough, I DO think about it, literally multiple times everyday. This presupposes that ~being ugly~ is an objective state to begin with. And if I try to spin it, like, "if I'm ugly TO ME" - that falls apart too, because I'll always be ugly TO ME, because... if I'm not, then...?
It's hard to think about these things, because just by thinking them, it makes them truer or stronger. Words are spells, and all that. If I say "I dislike myself" then it becomes something I can lean on, depend on, base other things around. Which is in part why I say it: I need something about myself of which to be certain, and I need a way to locate myself in the world. Or else I just feel so vague and formless and lost.
Maybe I feel scared of my potential. Or my own happiness. They're bundled inexorably with their opposites - failure, unhappiness. Thinking "I don't have any potential" is easier than trying. And I stay moored to that thought, because in my experience, trying is just humiliating and painful. I never had a payoff good enough to justify that risk. And I don't have the faith or strength in life to pursue things on principle. I keep my world small and manageable, and I try to stamp down the unhappiness that comes from that, because I don't want to be backed into a corner where I HAVE to fight for myself. If I don't mind it that much, then it's okay, I don't have to change or act. I don't want to be in turmoil. I don't want each inhale to press tears out of me.
I just made myself feel sad and hopeful and fragile just reading through my /quotes tag on my fucking tumblr. So many of these quotes are about how to let go, how to love in a way that doesn't harm yourself. But I can't let go of things because I feel like I have so little; if I let go, I won't have even that anymore. I've thought so much, I put myself in a deadlock every which way.
Elliptically relatedly, I realized that I am very drawn to story arcs where the character finds it within themselves to live for themselves. "In a dream you saw a way to survive and you were full of joy." See: Fai from Tsubasa. Sanzo from Saiyuki, in his Burial arc story, counts for me too. I don't know how to articulate things further. "An interesting way of life, deny yourself the benefits of being alive."
AND BECAUSE ALL ROADS LEAD TO JONGHYUN: This is why I love Jonghyun. To cry a lot, to laugh a lot, to quietly give yourself confidence. To love the world and the people around you, including yourself in that love. It's such a difficult thing for me, unfathomably brave.