hither and yon

Sometimes I am honestly amused and like, enamored? of myself? Like sometimes I really enjoy who I am and the stuff I think is funny and what I'm able to appreciate and whatnot. (Which is weird and self-reflexive, especially wrt humor -- I think what I think is funny is funny itself? Why do I think that? idk.) And I think that it would be fun to meet someone like me. But then that always gives away to EXASPERATED ANNOYANCE. It used to be brutal self-hate and disgust but I think I'm over that. HOW DO I GET OVER THIS? LOL I want to be able to love myself without reservations. Not because I've become someone worthy~ of love, but because it's human to love and be loved, and I should be able to do that just because everyone should be loved. No one should live with someone hating them constantly, a poison inside the body. How do I do this for myself? On behalf of a promise to myself that was given with life.

It's a struggle. I think a lot of my life will be this stuggle actually. This thought used to exhaust me, but I also used to hate myself a lot more forcefully. I've grown up a little, I think. The question of "why don't I like myself" is also tied implicitly to the question of "why don't other people like me." I know that's not a helpful question to be asking, but it's the question that's been in my heart~ forever since I was a loner little girl in elementary school. I've spent so much time trying to become an entity unto myself though, to make it look like I was alone by my own choice and not by uhh circumstance. I feel vulnerable in public so I gotta suit up and protect myself. I don't know the trick of looking approachable, and I DEFINITELY don't know how to approach anyone. What's my point in this paragraph? I'm just thinking about work today and how I was preoccupied with how I looked like a stumpy elf in these stupid boots (WHY DID THE WEATHER REPORT SAY IT WOULD RAIN I NEED TO GO BACK TO WEARING NORMAL SHOES) and how I much I liked Library Guy and how I would LOVE any kind of conversation like that again and how I don't know how to just start talking to people and being properly integrated into their group conversations. But I've also made progress in that I look at people a lot more instead of hiding my dumb face away in shame and I'll make comments sometimes even though they're dead-weight and dead-end and dead dead dead conversationally.

Still hungry.

This girl sitting a few seats away from me in the computer lab keeps sneezing and saying "excuse me" to no one in her deep voice. People as a whole are so endearing sometimes. Why are so consistently dumb and just fucking awful when we have this capacity to be... not that?

I don't know what I think about humanity anymore. I'm irritated with everyone and think most people are legit stupid, especially me, but it doesn't really depress me anymore. idk if that means I've accepted it or I don't care anymore or I've grown up or all three. I don't know what to do with bad news anymore either. I saw a screenshot of that diplomatic car in Egypt just RUNNING over like two dozen people and I know that's not the worst of it by far, not now, not there, not ever. This capacity we have, an endless capacity for unkindness. It's so human. Fuck now I'm pretty sad.

And that's the other thing, how do I get myself to the next step, ie feeling sad --> doing something about it? It's not even that I myself want to make a difference, but I want to be able to do something and to want to do something. Rouse myself out of complacency and all that. But I can't even talk to anyone and I can't even want to do my reading properly so I still have a ways to go.

In terms of physical appearance (lol I'm shallow and self-obsessed) it's kind of the same thing as uh what this entry started out as. Sometimes I'm like, I like ur face gurl, cheekbones, eyes, etc. and then I'll be all OH GOD HOW COULD I HAVE EVER THOUGHT THIS WAS OKAY. I guess it's the same kind of insecurity, like people don't like me!!! They must be able to see something about how I am on da inside, like it manifests in my physical appearance, like an INABILITY TO PROPERLY BE A PERSON. So it's not even that I think I'm ugly necessarily, just that I look WRONG and unacceptable. Disordered as a person, disordered as a body. Et cetera. Also more straightforwardly, I feel so fat and fug next to my sister who is slim and long and gorgeous without any effort because of her inner light. I'm cheesy, whatever. I've really been comparing myself to her for too long. I should stop but I depend on her so much in general. It's hard not to see myself in relation to her, and how others see us and will inevitably compare us. Sometimes it feels like there's no point in wanting to be happy with myself because I'll never be who I really want to be. The best is all circumferenced by who I fundamentally am: lazy, stupid, depressive, disproportionate, face full of nothing. Like, it feels like I should rage against accepting this fundamental terribleness. But that goes nowhere good and I need to stop thinking that way, etc. Ah, life.

Don't know how to end entries, so I'll just uhhh stop.

These days I've been getting more and more thoughts that come out of nowhere and develop into complex sentence structures on their own. Just now when I was leaving the dining hall and taking a few mints from the bowl: "What is life without cinnamon peppermints? A lot of bushwallah and hogswap, that's all! Bush-wall-ah and hoggggswap!" I am about 10000% sure that those are not real words. 

Side note; I like cinnamon when it's in candy and red and congealed and completely artificial. I am much less partial to it when it's brown and a spice and shit. Whatever.

I feel like I have a very tenuous control over my body and like I don't have a connection to it. I think my mind is getting more alien to me too. I think all these things without realizing... I think in complex sentences spontaneously now, without having to build em up. I don't know what I mean by "I" in that sentence btw. Why aren't "I" and "my mind" the same thing? Is "I" my soul? WTF? This is confusing. Okay whatever. I DON'T UNDERSTAND MYSELF.

The last line of that one Dave Eggers short short story has been running through my mind on a loop the past few weeks. I am young enough to do horrible things because I think that there'll be enough time to be a good person later. Except I think I AM just a horrible person, full-stop. I shan't go into big blocks of text but if you know me, you probably already know. Sometimes I really feel bad for anyone who knows me and has to talk to me and just... has to be aware of my general existence. I don't know why I thought high school!me and now!me would be any different. I'm still the same person and I've always been the same person. I keep thinking I'm a better person than I am. I might re-read Catcher tonight and cry a little if Horky is not too omnipresent.