kerpingtack: jonghyun rdd mubank win: nonstop perfect faces (let's feel it a bit)
unfinished entry from 2016-01-29 06:30 pm:
i just want to create something that i'm happy with and that i can be proud of. i don't even mean in an abstract way. like literally, i just want to draw or knit or make a mix that doesn't fill me with disappointment and/or self-loathing

maybe social work was not a good idea LOL hahahahaha

falls upon my own sword

i keep yearning for the world to give me value bc i don't really think of myself as having inherent worth lol. it's not something i can logic into or out of. it's a matter of belief which is always going to screw me.

i haven't angsted over this in a long time bc being in a program and feeling like i had a trajectory gave me the, like, confidence? to discard it as irrelevant. like what's the point of thinking about whether you're a good person or not? just DO things in life the best you can. but now i'm really questioning the program itself and it is accordingly collapsing the sense that At Least I Am Doing Something. and when i take away the feeling that i'm working towards something achievable & worthwhile, i'm only left with myself as a person WHICH IS UNBEARABLE. what am i good at? am i good friend? daughter/sister/teacher? i try an okay amount but it's not enough

Well, well, well. Fast-forward seven months later, after being fucked over some more by the program, which then gave me an excuse to Not Care and fuck myself over even more: SOCIAL WORK: NOT A GOOD IDEA. But I'm already on the path and I can't step off of it without going back into the abyss. Formless fog!!!!!

I had an epiphany a couple of days ago. (There's actually no way to tell whether I have already had this thought and promptly forgot that I had it, so I'm blogging about it to keep record.) I'm staying in this horrible position working at my mom's office for seasons upon seasons, because I already think that I'll be unhappy no matter where I go or what I do. So I'm just leveraging unhappiness - if I'm going to be and feel shitty regardless, I might as well do it in a position that will give me SOME satisfaction at things that are definitely important to me (feeling like I am helping my mom/family), rather than risking feeling more incompetent at something new and more abstractly important to me (Doing My Part in Society). Better the devil you know than the devil you don't.

It's the perspective of, like, "everything people do has a purpose". It's just that sometimes that purpose has become maladaptive. Internal logic, cohesive realities. Two related quotes:

the ep of It's Always Sunny when Dee ~walks a mile in Charlie's shoes~:
Dee: Those aren't real problems, Charlie.
Charlie: What do you mean, they're not real problems?
Dee: You make those problems up. You choose to do that stuff.
Charlie: Those are SOLUTIONS to problems.

Everything is a solution to a problem, it's just that the problems change and outpace the rate of solutions generated.
 
this article re: Trump supporters:
But, if you don’t take ["being racist"] as an end point — if you instead ask “what do people get out of being racist?” — you’ll start to unravel the emotional motivations behind it.
'What do people get out of this?' = 'So what is its function in society?' < this question always makes me laugh, and I can't adequately explain why. I think it's related to that article or column or whatever Ayn Rand wrote about cats. Anyway, I think this concept also has something to do with utilitarianism, but I'm too lazy and dumb to connect it properly.
 
The subject line is from Umimachi Diary. I watched it last night at our local ~indie~ theater. That theater always has really terrible timing, both in the releases and their showtimes. Last week, when my sister and my frand were both in town, they were only playing Cafe Society nonstop. Of course, the moment everyone leaves, there's like two or three interesting releases. Thanks for nothing, State Theater!!111 And the times are always at incredibly awkward times of the day (noon, 4pm, or 7pm).

In any case, I'm glad I watched it. It was a very lovely movie - almost idyllic at times, as everyone is so FRIENDLY, but pulled back from being out-and-out syrupy, especially by the performances by Ayase Haruka (who is so incredibly beautiful) and Hirose Suzu. It made miss all sorts of things - being at college when I watched a ton of movies at Melnitz, living with my sister, and the nebulous concept of being in Korea ~with my people~. I mean, I don't WANT to live in Korea, but the familiarity of some of the scenes kind of tricked me. Just that feeling of knowing, recognizing. We want so badly to connect to things and this impulse is never turned off. Anyway, it was a gentle look at people in real motion, filmed beautifully. On the theater website, the movie was was described as heartwarming, and I decided that my heart could do with some warming. Another apt description: "Miyazaki in real life" (from this review).

Paranoid worries of the day: Tomtom has fleas or ticks, worried that Melon has them too; Melon's hind paw is still infected :< ; Tomtom is so wild about going outside - gotta calm him down re: scratching at the window screens, how to block off the shed so he won't jump onto the fence.

In case anyone was wondering, I still love Jonghyun and I pray daily for him to change his hair.
kerpingtack: olive: the only part of the show i liked (hard to say harder to feel)
(private locked→public; copy+pasted from twitter essay)

There's a part of me that always assumes that other people know more than I do about whatever they're talking about. (Because at the most basic level, Other People are obviously functional and I am not, so they know something I don't.) At the same time I'm always like 'I think you're right but I don't want to listen to you,' lol. I don't know, I wish I knew my own mind better. I think I've improved a little, but maybe I've just gotten more judgmental and impatient, and just TELL myself what I am? Leading to a boxed-in life full of limitations and squalor. :< Regardless, I second guess and doubt myself A LOT. Most thoughts have a 'but' or a 'though' or a 'maybe'. There are like eight such conditionals in this paragraph so far, haha.

This current crisis of needless self-inspection and insecurity is because I had forgotten how HORRIBLY INFERIOR I feel when I see a certain type of person. And it's for very shallow reasons... like, the person-template is: "very thin pretty Asian girl with a solid sense of style and make-up and who doesn't talk a lot or go back to expand on anything she already said and is very talented at drawing/writing and also is my age or younger." I am still in middle school in my heart!! I NEVER grew out of feeling like a fat sack of shit in comparison to these girls.

That I care about weight annoys me in the particular. Because I am really thin right now too and I don't like it, but seeing this type of girl where her weight/body is in context with all these other things, then I'm not thin enough or thin in the wrong way. hashtag worst.

It's not exactly that I want to be like (the idea of) these girls, because they don't seem particularly happy or funny or comfortable to me. But what makes me so envious is the idea that they know themselves. They know what looks good on them, they know how much they want to say, they know what they like. The asian-ness and the artistic talent are incidental factors that make me feel like I should relate to or be like them somehow lol. It makes me feel like I could be them, or could have been them, so then I feel like I have lost potential that I don't know how to regain or utilize well. Wah wahh wahhhh.

card trick

Jul. 21st, 2011 09:37 pm
kerpingtack: google image of stained glass (candy floss)
Finishing an old entry on impulse. Really really long ramble about narratives, trying to change, and RPF. Completely unreadable, pls don't feel obligated AT ALL to go through it lol.

endless wonder )
kerpingtack: green glass window installations (treatment)
Sometimes I am honestly amused and like, enamored? of myself? Like sometimes I really enjoy who I am and the stuff I think is funny and what I'm able to appreciate and whatnot. (Which is weird and self-reflexive, especially wrt humor -- I think what I think is funny is funny itself? Why do I think that? idk.) And I think that it would be fun to meet someone like me. But then that always gives away to EXASPERATED ANNOYANCE. It used to be brutal self-hate and disgust but I think I'm over that. HOW DO I GET OVER THIS? LOL I want to be able to love myself without reservations. Not because I've become someone worthy~ of love, but because it's human to love and be loved, and I should be able to do that just because everyone should be loved. No one should live with someone hating them constantly, a poison inside the body. How do I do this for myself? On behalf of a promise to myself that was given with life.

It's a struggle. I think a lot of my life will be this stuggle actually. This thought used to exhaust me, but I also used to hate myself a lot more forcefully. I've grown up a little, I think. The question of "why don't I like myself" is also tied implicitly to the question of "why don't other people like me." I know that's not a helpful question to be asking, but it's the question that's been in my heart~ forever since I was a loner little girl in elementary school. I've spent so much time trying to become an entity unto myself though, to make it look like I was alone by my own choice and not by uhh circumstance. I feel vulnerable in public so I gotta suit up and protect myself. I don't know the trick of looking approachable, and I DEFINITELY don't know how to approach anyone. What's my point in this paragraph? I'm just thinking about work today and how I was preoccupied with how I looked like a stumpy elf in these stupid boots (WHY DID THE WEATHER REPORT SAY IT WOULD RAIN I NEED TO GO BACK TO WEARING NORMAL SHOES) and how I much I liked Library Guy and how I would LOVE any kind of conversation like that again and how I don't know how to just start talking to people and being properly integrated into their group conversations. But I've also made progress in that I look at people a lot more instead of hiding my dumb face away in shame and I'll make comments sometimes even though they're dead-weight and dead-end and dead dead dead conversationally.

Still hungry.

This girl sitting a few seats away from me in the computer lab keeps sneezing and saying "excuse me" to no one in her deep voice. People as a whole are so endearing sometimes. Why are so consistently dumb and just fucking awful when we have this capacity to be... not that?

I don't know what I think about humanity anymore. I'm irritated with everyone and think most people are legit stupid, especially me, but it doesn't really depress me anymore. idk if that means I've accepted it or I don't care anymore or I've grown up or all three. I don't know what to do with bad news anymore either. I saw a screenshot of that diplomatic car in Egypt just RUNNING over like two dozen people and I know that's not the worst of it by far, not now, not there, not ever. This capacity we have, an endless capacity for unkindness. It's so human. Fuck now I'm pretty sad.

And that's the other thing, how do I get myself to the next step, ie feeling sad --> doing something about it? It's not even that I myself want to make a difference, but I want to be able to do something and to want to do something. Rouse myself out of complacency and all that. But I can't even talk to anyone and I can't even want to do my reading properly so I still have a ways to go.

In terms of physical appearance (lol I'm shallow and self-obsessed) it's kind of the same thing as uh what this entry started out as. Sometimes I'm like, I like ur face gurl, cheekbones, eyes, etc. and then I'll be all OH GOD HOW COULD I HAVE EVER THOUGHT THIS WAS OKAY. I guess it's the same kind of insecurity, like people don't like me!!! They must be able to see something about how I am on da inside, like it manifests in my physical appearance, like an INABILITY TO PROPERLY BE A PERSON. So it's not even that I think I'm ugly necessarily, just that I look WRONG and unacceptable. Disordered as a person, disordered as a body. Et cetera. Also more straightforwardly, I feel so fat and fug next to my sister who is slim and long and gorgeous without any effort because of her inner light. I'm cheesy, whatever. I've really been comparing myself to her for too long. I should stop but I depend on her so much in general. It's hard not to see myself in relation to her, and how others see us and will inevitably compare us. Sometimes it feels like there's no point in wanting to be happy with myself because I'll never be who I really want to be. The best is all circumferenced by who I fundamentally am: lazy, stupid, depressive, disproportionate, face full of nothing. Like, it feels like I should rage against accepting this fundamental terribleness. But that goes nowhere good and I need to stop thinking that way, etc. Ah, life.

Don't know how to end entries, so I'll just uhhh stop.
kerpingtack: corgis on the beach where the corgis are free (Default)

To be honest I like feeling a bit sad and melancholy which I suppose is why I indulge myself in nostalgia so often. Re-reading things is fun, but always a little sad. I remember what it felt like to read it for the first time and it's like I can't ever quite feel that way again.

I'm thinking about a year ago, last summer. I don't remember a lot of last year, especially spring quarter and my time at Berkeley. Well, I don't want to remember. Last year's April through August was really bad. I cried a lot, like so much it scared me, though me being me I was also impressed by it and wanted to record it for posterity. (here it is!) Being alone, feeling alone, loneliness, a huge wound of loneliness really, all of that. Actually I don't even know if it was really all that bad, because I got some good things out of it, but whenever I think about it my mind instinctively tries NOT to think about it and my general impression of the time period is bad, so I figure, it wasn't great. It was a gamechanger though. It bent my life in a different direction. I don't know if it's good or bad. Maybe just necessary.

I really think that I need a friend, not a boyfriend, but I am obsessed with my physical appearance lately and I want an ego handjob in that department. Maybe I don't even want a boyfriend because that seems kind of irritating and too touchy and a lot of work. I just want someone to be like, I think you're pretty, I like your body, I like the way you look, I like you, you're fine, always and forever, you're fine. The problem is that I feel too much responsibility in any kind of social interaction, with absolutely no capacity to live up to that responsibility. I never feel good enough, not for myself, not for anyone or anything. And I KNOW that that's bullshit, it doesn't work like that. I know a lot of things. But there's something that can't be dislodged inside. It blocks the knowing from making a difference. Is it fear? The other day I was driving and I suddenly thought: If I could get over myself, I could be amazing. It makes me feel strange and excited just to think it. I could be amazing. Somewhere I know that.

In the meanwhile I'm still don't want to go back to school in the fall and I'm still not even ALLOWED to do so. Two different academic holds and one financial hold, haaay~

Anyway, what I'm REALLY trying to say is that I'm re-reading a lot of bandom fics and it's making me so nostalgic I could die.

kerpingtack: green glass window installations (treatment)
I've been listening to U2's Lemon a lot lately. That is a damn good song. I love that piano steppy thing, just so much.

only for the board )

Bleh, I just fell off the wagon and bit off all my nails. Ooh, baby, tell me more, amirite?

I'm hella obsessed with my hair. I don't know what to do with it, it's never been this long with this texture/haircut before. It's not a gr8 look. And I know it's getting longer but it never looks longer. It's just gradually trailing out and down. My sister said it's like a ~mane. Bafflesome!! And irritating!!
kerpingtack: green glass window installations (treatment)
Christ this blogging everyday thing is for the birds. I haven't felt like talking too much lately. The trajectory of my life is now completely different from that of anyone else I know, so I feel like my life is hard to relate to. I also have to struggle to put myself back in that college mindset to relate to my good fronds' lives; not because remembering it is hard, but because everything about it is so closely associated with despair and darkness and infinity and whatnot. I'm not complaining! I'm trying to get to a point where "school" doesn't automatically go to "I WOULD RATHER DIE A THOUSAND DEATHS" so the school by proxy feeling is a barometer of my readiness? Or I guess it would be, if I wasn't so avoidant and immature.

I'm still kind of freaking out re: my 21ness. Oh god, when did this happen? HOW could I have let this happen?? TWENTY ONE. That is YEARS. That is MORE THAN TWO DECADES. How could I have gotten to this age without getting any of my shit together?? I never had a clear picture of what I wanted to be like when I was older, but I am positive that if little kid!me saw present!me, she'd well and truly go "wtf." Whatever I thought, this was not it. 

This has been running through my head all week like a ticker tape: "When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things." THE FREAKING BIBLE, SELF?! Oh well, it's catchy. sig~h

Right. Sooo... I spent all day editing my OkCupid profile... in case you didn't know, OkCupid isn't just a place for long personality quizzes. It's a... online... dating site. Yeah. Um..... I don't know... I don't really expect to find anyone, but since I haven't yet been accosted by my true love in the grocery store or JJB's school or... those are pretty much the only places I go.  Okay, since no one has thrown themselves at my feet proposing marriage yet (GOD what is TAKING THEM so LONG), it's nice...? to have this open...? ...? ...? I guess "looking for a significant other" would've made more sense when I was in college, but everyone was so utterly terrifying wtf. AND LIBRARY GUY HAD A GURLFROND. Who was like EXACTLY as nothing-faced and flat-chested as I was (*uncharitable*) so AUGH why not meeee Library Guy, is it because I never spoke to you and don't even know your last name and I had that one dream where we got MARRIED? 

Alright, that went off-track. I'm also trolling craigslist. I'm a little disturbed by how often the phrase "REAL WOMEN ONLY" comes up. What does that mean? Are they talking about spam or inflatable dolls or transgendered people or dirty dirty whores or what? Agh this is all such a hopeless endeavor! What am I even doing!!

Dilemmas: posting my ethnicity. On the one hand, I don't want to hide it or anything. On the other, I don't want to invite the kind of people who would be attracted to "21 yr old Asian girl who looks 15." Relatedly, wot picture to put up? Leave it blank? It makes sense to put a good picture up, but I don't want to falsely advertise, like "here's what I looked like that one time at that one angle when my hair looked good and I didn't look tired and I didn't look like middle school jailbait and you couldn't see my teeth and Mercury was in retrograde."

Actually I'm getting more okay with the way I look, except for the looking like a 15 yr old thing. That still bothers me a lot. But for the most part, I've accepted that this is what I look like so I might as well live with it and do the best I can. I'm getting all into finding a personal clothing style (I'm getting a terrible feeling that I REALLY like wearing dresses), I'm thinking of trying to learn to put on make-up, and just all this stuff! But weirdly, while I'm trying to take up the space in my body more fully, I feel like way detached from it. I wrote a longcat entry about it a few weeks ago but LJ ate it and then I couldn't get it up again. Summary: it's hard to connect me with my physical body, it's confusing to me. It's weird to think that the me in here is connected to the me out there, tied to a face I didn't choose, hanging there like a store front across space and time. Sometimes I get tripped out when I stand up quickly and walk somewhere, like "what exactly is happening here...?" Like I'll look in the mirror and it's surprising, all "that's not me, because there is no 'me' to see." I am like one-fifth of a real person or something, I don't even know. 

I hope those two things aren't connected, like the more I think I look okay, the less I feel that's 'me'. Like, I'll only identify with myself if I feel gross every time I look at myself? That's not good.

LOL there's a guy who put a craigslist ad entirely in lyrics to Cake's Short Skirt/Long Jacket.

God I'm hungry. rarwwwrrrrrrrrr
kerpingtack: google image of stained glass (candy floss)
I am boxing myself in. It's like to test myself if I can still breathe or not. Sometimes, sometimes I really feel like I can't live with myself anymore. I don't know how to change though, I'm all dull and crumbling. The reasons I give myself are not strong enough.

Cheer and jocundity, eh? I revived my last.fm after almost two years. My profile there severely misrepresents my actual listening habits. For example, it says that Tori Amos is in my top 3 most played artists. WTF? Lord knows what that thing would look like if I had kept ~scrobbling~ all that time. 

I am the most boring person alive.

It's like this, you want to DO something but you're too scared to even start the things that you are actually required to do, things people will see and grade and judge. You secretly pull your punches with every shitty thing you say about yourself. You don't really believe them, not yet, but you know you can. It breaks you whenever someone so much as breathes near one of the thoughts in your head. "Yeah, I thought you would handle it worse." "You need to get your act together and focus." You know these things are true but you had hoped they weren't. So when someone said it out loud to you, you couldn't handle it. You're scared shitless of it happening again.

Replace all the you's with I's of course. Some people are really bugged by second person but I really like it, it sounds pretty natural to me. If only because I am virulently committed to disassociating myself and shirking responsibility whenever possible. In high school I used to default to second person all the time. From then to now I've gained more of an understanding that as much as I want to, I can't just watch myself and call if life, but with the increase in first person, I think it's also racheted up my egocentricism. And it just means that I use the passive voice more. I've picked up all the wrong points, probably.

SIGH! I'm cleaning out my Personal Junk desk drawer. Too many throwaway things written on too many papers.

Mom told me that "maguro" is not tuna
<Mom says it is tuna>
Dad: Maguro? Maguro is Japanese. Tuna is English. (after downing 2 shots)

The role of expectations
"The door ate the sky loudly but would not drop the ocean."
nerv. sys. sets limits of our perceptions
- color seen only in certain range
naive realism

better living through learning <--> better learning through living
What is algebra exactly is it those three-cornered things? - J.M. Barrie
How can we know the dancer from the dance? - W.B. Yeats
Where the telescope ends, the microscope begins. Which of the two has the grander view? - Victor Hugo, Les Miserables

Examples of why The Daily Bruin is a useless joke.
blurb that takes up a good fifth of the page: "[SPEAK OUT] Members of the UCLA men's soccer team were asked to state their favorite thing about November. Here are their responses."
W. T. F.
letters to the editor regarding some column by a Kelly Bowers called "Sarah Palin changes face of modern American feminism" which started off by saying "I am not a feminist." Oh, and it only got better after that. Keywords: whining, promiscuity, bra-burning. The letters are pretty ace though. "For a woman at this university (who would presumably be pleased with her equal opportunity that just a few decades ago was unavailable) to so proudly proclaim that she is not a feminist makes me even wonder why she is even here." I KNOW: because the world has a raging hard-on for douchebags. Why did this useless pedestrian piece of shit column get published in the first place? Come on, was there no one who could say the obvious? "You are an asshole and an idiot. We're not printing this. Don't let the door hit your ass on your way out~"

I had all this shredded cheese so I said what the hell and dumped it in my pancake mix. Now I'm eating the pancakes with canned mushrooms and Ikea lingonberry jam. It's pretty good. I'd like to say that it's college life~ but to be honest if I were at home with all other amenities, chances are that I still would've done this. I'm so LOL why not!? about food. Our whole family is. We're always eating expired crap. (Pancake mix: Oct 25 2008).

Right then, that's enough for now.
kerpingtack: google image of stained glass (candy floss)
My mom just drunk dialled me. Like so:
Me: Hi Mom.
Her: Hi daughter. Daughter, hi. (various combinations of these two words for like 30 seconds)
Me: Haha... hi Mom. What's going on?
Her: I drank a beer.
Me: What?
Her: I'm so drunk!

LOLOL my mom is the cutest person on the earth. She drinks once a year, if that, and she hardly ever gets drunk. "I feel kind of tingly inside and very emotional. And I'm so red. Even my toes." <3x1000 I called my sister to tell her to check up on our mom later so she should be alright. Ahahahahaaaaa, I love my mom.

Side note: Conversations I've had with both my mom and my dad in the past couple of years have recently made me realize, "Oh, I guess I'm becoming an adult to them." I feel like I'm faking it to some extent but in others I hope I'm living up to the challenge.

I've been thinking a lot about being the oldest child too. As usual I can't quite relate to the typical description of "the eldest." I've never felt a lot of pressure to set a good example (lololol obviously), or pressure from my parents in general. Instead the thing I've noticed about being the oldest is that you kind of serve as an intermediary between your parents and your siblings. I think even eldest children who have really fraught relationships with their parents have an understanding that their younger siblings don't have. I definitely have fought with my mom the most among my siblings (you don't really "fight" with JJB, you deal with him like a wrangler) but I like to think that I know her as a person best. Well, aha, maybe I'm just flattering myself. The other thing that I've personally noticed about being the oldest is the sense of memory and history your parents put in you. I'm aware that my parents sometimes see me specifically as their first child and for them I mark how much time has passed etc, and I was at the beginning when our family first became a family, and I remember things that my younger siblings can't. Especially things like Kevin. I guess what I'm trying to say is that some kind of family history seems to be invested in the oldest. Not inheritance-wise, but memory and formation of the fambly itself. Usually the oldest is the only one to have had the parents all to themselves. As you get older too, you're often the first one of your siblings to learn more of where the family is going and where it's been, just because you were first.

There seems to be two main courses for the oldest; you have an especial allegiance to the family or you want to distance yourself completely. Or both, they're not exclusive. I read somewhere (I think it was from Dan Savage) that most teenage runaways are really proud of their family and love them a lot. That surprised me a lot. I don't have a point, I'm just throwing this out there.

I watched a bunch of ANTM last week or whatever and I read a comment on one of the related youtube videos that said something like, "I wish Analeigh was my big sister, then she could protect me" and it had like five thumbs up. And once my younger girl cousin said that she wished her brother would stand up for her more. And the other day I was talking to streetmission about how we both kind of wondered what it would be like to have an older sibling. And I think mostly, kids who are the only child want a younger sibling to play with and take care of? There's something so wistful and like... sitting alone in your room about these imaginary sibling scenarios. Why siblings? Why not just friends? Why not parents? Siblings are somehow between the two? Having someone look after you in a non-institutionalized way? Wanting to look up to someone who is somehow "yours"? Or just having someone who is "yours." Different from parents b/c siblings are more exclusive? There must be something about the finite and relatively "pre-determined" nature of siblinghood (is this a word?) that makes it seem so special. It's also a world apart from the rest of the family (parents) and the public sphere (fronds). Being part of a family already implies an inherent connection that other relationships can't access or mimic. Whatever, don't laugh, but I'm going to pull out a useless Beatles reference: in the early pre-Beatles days, John Lennon and Paul McCartney played a bunch of small-ass shows together and called themselves the Nerk Twins. IDK WHY BUT I WAS LIKE HONESTLY ~MOVED~ BY THAT. Like, I found it very unaffectedly beautiful!! Even though it's just a fun dumb teenage boy name. I don't know. Close friends who wanted to make sense of their closeness, who wanted to name their connection, chose fambly. (Off-topic: STRUGGLING in SOCIETY to UNDERSTAND THEMSELVES. OMG.) I can't help but to think of siblings as people who want to become close. But I'm close to my siblings so... although, the same could be said if I wasn't close to my siblings too. Om nom nom fambly dynamics.

bookending

May. 14th, 2009 03:11 pm
kerpingtack: corgis on the beach where the corgis are free (Default)
My leg hurts like a motherfuck whenever I change its position. My calf muscles mostly. Calves... muscles? It looks strange in the singular.

One of the things I regret a lot is acting like a brat on Thanksgiving a couple of years ago. It's good in a way, because I've learned since then that I do have a temper problem and I do let things spin out into a huffing passive-aggressive bitch fest. I think I'm better at managing anger/annoyance now. But I still regret it. It was the Thanksgiving when my cousin's dad died, and my behavior that morning was so petty and infantile. It doesn't matter in the long run, and it's presumptious to locate my behavior so closely with the memory of that day, as though it was just THAT important, but, I still regret it. The regret is inherently selfish. I want to apologize to my cousin, but of course the apology would be for me.

In general my egocentricism really bothers me. Sometimes it flares up into spikes of true hate. On the other hand, for example, that paragraph about my cousin's dad's death. It is all about meee meee meee, but I don't have a huge issue with it. Like how most of the time I don't have a problem with writing in this LJ, which is also all about meee meee meee. I want to write about what I'm comfortable with, and I don't feel like I have a right, or anything meaningful to say, about my cousin or my uncle on that day. I have my memories and that is what I know. In my mind that's okay. I don't particularly like guilt associated with WHAT people think about, especially in times of overload. What else are you supposed to think about? Your mind goes where it goes. I think it's okay. 

The problem for me is the choices I make based on what I think about, either the real-life decisions I make or the decision to pursue a train of thought. Something weird comes to mind; I don't feel guilty about that. It becomes reprehensible if I choose to keep thinking about it even if I'm supposed to be doing something else (like paying attn to lecture) or if I know that it'll lead to something bad, like a self-pity party or the equivalent of watching scary movies when I KNOOOOW I will be freaked the fuck out later. And it becomes reprehensible when I know that I'm just using the thought to escape, or because the alternatives are difficult, or to otherwise justify shitty behavior. 

So blogging swings between those two things for me. Most of the time I think it's okay; I'm just writing down what I'm thinking about and the expression of those thoughts helps me through the day. Every once in a while I start thinking that this is all pure self-indulgence, it feeds into me being self-centered instead of helping me manage that self-centeredness, it enables me to CHOOSE inaction and complacency, etc. Who knows!    

I am now officially late to my TA office hour!

i like marx

May. 5th, 2009 05:36 am
kerpingtack: corgis on the beach where the corgis are free (Default)
This entry was started on Saturday when I was sadcat and finished today, when I am not so sadcat. Mm.

I was flipping through my bookmarks and came across something I had uh obviously forgotten about. As an addendum to my "rrgh twitter suxx" post: Color War 2008 which, instead of bitching about twitter, finds a way to make it an actual fun social space. Much more constructive. PS, Ze Frank is one of my most favorite People I Don't Actually Know in the world.

Anyway now I will continue bitching about everything. I have a very strange outlook on the world at this stage of my life. It's like pessimistic nihilism with a hair-trigger hard-on for the ~goodness of man and ~worth of life. Also I fetishize hope pretty hard. I am both desperate to and scared of Believing in people, myself, god, anything. It's a sum total of being a fuck-up and not knowing how to recover from things. Instead I'm just devastated all the time. ~Everyday is a risk I can't take because I don't know how to come back from it. It's self-perpetuating fear, yeah, but it's not unfounded. Like, I know my life is worse off for being scurred all the time but what's the alternative? Shit if there's one thing the past four years have taught me, it's that things can always ALWAYS get worse. 

The Lexabro's not working. Or worse, it IS working, but I'm so fucked-up and shitty that even with the help I'm still a mess. I'm a really sad person.

I guess I have opinions on X-Men! X2 is easily the best movie in the franchise. The new Wolverine movie looks kinda dumb. By kinda I mean shyeah. By shyeah I mean I wish I hadn't eaten the last cookie yesterday. Emma Frost does not look nearly as fabulous enough as she deserves. That was Twilight-level dazzle in the commercials. I will never ever ever understand the appeal of Taylor Kitsch. He is SUCH A BAD ACTOR. WHY DOES NO ONE MENTION THIS???? HE IS TERRIBLE. Also he is fug as hell. I don't understand anyone. Finally, if there is Cyclops in the movie, wherefore no James Marsden? I don't care if he is supposed to be teenager!Cyclops. James Mraaarrrrrrrrrrrsdennnnnn. *__* Man I wish I was more into comic books. 

I went to Fridge's cousin's birthday party on Saturday and got a bit drunk. I don't think I did anything embarrassing but I feel embarrassed anyway. I feel like I am overflowing with want and that everyone can see it. I am neeeeeeeeeeedy. But also, I hate people. It's a tricky situation. For example, I hella wanted (male) attention even though the party was filled with condescending bastards. Tip, you cannot tell jokes to condescending bastards because they will take you seriously and be all "LOL did you JUST say that? THIS GIRL IS SOOO DRUNK." Fuck you, douchebag, I was using my sarcastic voice.

So afterward I missed the last step whilst walking back to the apt and rolled my ankle. Trying to take care of it was a bitch and a half; it took all day today since the medical center isn't open on the weekends. Very convenient, that. It turns out that I fractured the tip of my left fibula. The brace/cast felt like sex when they put it on, omg, soooo comforting. Crutches are hard fucking work. It took me 45 minutes to walk back to the apt when it usually takes 15 minutes and by the end of it I was so tired I could've cried. It was really humiliating and pathetic before I got the crutches though, because I couldn't put any weight on my foot so I seriously had to hop around from like bench to lamp post to side of a building etc. The worst part is that I'm not going to able to work with Library Guy anymore since I can't uh work in stacks. <-- creeper

Midterm was not good. Still don't have a research paper topic. I don't fucking care, I just want to get the fuck out. Even more so with this fracture nonsense.

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